


I Want You To Love Me

by soleil01



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: ANGST!!! SO MUCH ANGST, Canon Divergence Because I Make The Rules, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, This One Is a Rollercoaster Lads, they both need therapy loool
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:28:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25407664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soleil01/pseuds/soleil01
Summary: The fact of the matter was that she was in love with Judy Hale. It was clear now. That was the reason why she’d been jealous, overprotective and full of inappropriate thoughts for her best friend. It wasn’t just a simple crush. It was beyond that, deeper and simply more than the word love could express. As big as the moon and twice as wide.
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding, Michelle Gutierrez/Judy Hale
Comments: 92
Kudos: 207





	1. The Way Things Are

**Author's Note:**

> HI GAYS
> 
> I've been working on this one for almost a month??? Hope y'all enjoy.
> 
> It's from Jen's POV but I might write Judy's POV in another, linked fic. 
> 
> Oh! and a MASSIVE thank you to hudyjale for reading the chapters and listening to me ramble <3

_I don’t want anyone._

Jen’s vision had become blurry by the fifth glass of wine she’d wolfed down. But even then, even with a shaky world beyond her and warm cheeks, what she said earlier wouldn’t leave her.

_I’m done with all that._

She hadn’t lied. Truly. After Ted’s death and then his betrayal coming to light, the idea of opening herself up for that kind of agony was as appealing as working for Lorna. For all intents and purposes, Jen Harding had settled, with some bumps along the road, into her widowed life. Sure, having Judy around had more than helped - having another adult in the house, someone to co-parent with, someone to spend long nights drinking wine with, someone to rely on and share a bed with-

Okay, when she spells it out like _that_ it sounds like she’s a window only in title.

Filling her cup almost to the brim, Jen stretches her legs and enjoys the ache disappearing from them; the ache of cycling furiously on her exercise bike to drive away the thoughts of Judy in another woman’s arms.

Not that she cared, clearly.

She turns her mind to pondering what Judy was up to with _Michelle._ She can imagine the soft, goofy smile that would take over her face, the twinkle in her eyes, the tenderness in her voice once affection took over her. A tenderness she wished was saved just for her. Instead, Michelle was the one tasting it, savouring it, basking in it.

Maybe they were fucking. Maybe Judy was--

Jen snorts into her wine of glass. What did she care? So fucking what Michelle was probably in between Judy’s presumably very soft, very beautiful and creamy legs?

 _No_ , she shakes her head, _no, I don’t want anyone,_ she promises to herself. Most importantly, she didn’t need anyone. She had her best friend and her sons, that’s all she would ever ask for. Her life was as complete as it was ever meant to be. Ted was her last love and, considering how well it had turned out, she probably shouldn’t let herself into that kind of commitment again.

It doesn’t matter where Judy was or who she was sleeping with. Jen was just happy her friend was happy. Things are fine the way they are right now, perfect, actually.

That’s all.

  
  
  


━━━━━━━━━━━━

  
  
  
  


When Judy crawls into her bed the next morning, she’s beaming. She takes her high heeled shoes off at the door and quickly makes her way over to Jen, plopping down on her side, almost on top of the blonde. Grumpily, Jen makes space for her by shuffling over and Judy props her head up with an elbow, a smile spreading over her lips as she stares into Jen’s sleepy eyes.

“Someone got laid,” Jen says drily as she puts the pillow over her face.

“Oh, it was more than that,” Judy responds, grappling with Jen to get the pillow off her face, “Michelle is _amazing_ …”

“Bet she was.”

Judy flops down and rests her head on Jen’s pillow, staring straight at her, wide eyes dreamy.

“What is it?”

“Nothing,” Judy attempts at a serious face, trying to dim the thoughts in her head. Jen doesn’t like that.

“ _What?_ ”

“Nothing!” The brunette sits up, “You’ll think I’m weird, or something.”

“No, I won’t.” Jen attempts to soften her tone.

“Okay, um, I think I might be in love with her.”

“What?” Jen recoils and sits up abruptly.

“Nevermind, forget it.”

“What, no. Judy, you can’t just tell me that and not elaborate. How exactly are you in love with someone you’ve just met?”

“I don’t know she just,” Judy blows out a breath, eyes wide again with a softness and eagerness that makes Jen want to throw up, to scream, “Makes me feel like Steve did before...you know, everything.”

“Yeah and that turned out great for the two of you.”

“I _mean_ it, Jen.”

She knows she’s being a major asshole but….

“Jude, you can’t be in love with someone you just met!”

“I _know_ but...”

Jen can’t stop her mouth from gaping, “That’s just not how it works.”

“I think it can if it’s the right person,” She mumbles back and then gets up and out of bed. This distance between them stings, “I can feel you judging me.”

“That’s because I am,” Jen snorts a different sort of annoyance settling on her shoulders. It felt like a monumental shift was about to happen and the thought of it made Jen breathless.

“ _Yeah_ , it sounds a little ridiculous, sure but what’s wrong with believing in love at first sight?”

“Love at first sight?” A twinge of regret pokes at Jen as she watches Judy’s head sink a little into her shoulder. Since the brunette didn’t show anger or disappointment much, choosing instead to carry optimism on her back, Jen had learnt to hone in on her little tells; disappointment was shown in the way she’d avoid eye contact, anger in shallow breathing and wringing hands. But this was new. “It just keeps getting worse doesn’t it.”

“Well, I don’t appreciate that,” A pause, then she sighs, “I just really like her Jen.”

“Well, that’s not hard.”

Judy shifts on her feet slightly. The regret Jen had felt before grows too large for her to ignore and so she quickly says, “That’s not what I meant. I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay,” She sits back down on the bed, playing with the duvet. And when she speaks again, her eyes hold a vulnerability there that makes Jen queasy. “I just want to believe something good can happen after all I’ve done _._ ”

Jen’s head tilts and she sighs quietly to herself, choosing not to be an asshole; a road she didn’t take very often. _Oh God, Jude…_

Judy deserved as much, especially after Jen had smashed the last person who made her feel loved in the head with a handcrafted bird ornament. Especially if it was with someone who could actually give her what she’s worth. 

Jen just isn’t that person. Well, that was obvious. There was nothing romantic between her and Judy, of course. She cannot expect her to stick around forever, co-parenting kids that aren’t hers instead of creating her own family or settling for the very close but totally platonic relationship with Jen instead of a romantic one with Michelle. Jen hadn’t meant to expect their lives to stay like this, to want Judy around always, but now that she sees what the feeling is, what it holds, how it presents itself she just _knows_ she cannot ask this much of Judy. Even if it hurt a little bit.

“Just be careful, okay?” Jen attempts at a smile, hoping it doesn’t look as lop-sided and forced as it feels.

“Okay,” Judy smiles then leans in to whisper conspiratorially, “The _sex_ was amazing.”

  
  
  
  


━━━━━━━━━━━━

  
  
  


As much as it makes her an awful person, Jen feels an inappropriate satisfaction at the fact Michelle didn’t stick around. It felt something akin to winning a raffle you didn’t even know you’d entered. That feeling was hard to relish for long, however, since Judy was taking it harder than she’d expected.

There was a dim in the brunette’s eyes now. Since Michelle had fucked off to nowhere, Judy walked around with more sadness about her. And Judy being Judy, she chose to cloak herself with optimism and weed and cleansing sage, avoiding acknowledging that once again rejection had come knocking. It almost worked - _almost_ because Jen knew her too well to be fooled. 

It was easy to see something was off when Judy stared a little too long into the distance. When she zoned out a little at the dinner table. When her smile didn’t make her cheeks wrinkle up and form dimples.

And that made her feel _really_ fucking shitty. Fucking Michelle, if only she knew where she was so that her fist could accidentally, say, land on her face. Even if it was a little weird that Judy was this hung up over a relationship that lasted a month and a half, even if Jen doubted whether it was infatuation or genuine love, it still really, really weighed heavy on the brunette. 

_I just want to believe something good can happen after all I’ve done._

Maybe it was more than just Michelle. 

At least she can make sure her friend’s okay, like now.

Once again, they’re sitting up late, chatting and drinking wine - her idea. Judy is a little quiet, attributed to aforementioned sadness, but she seems to be having fun as they watch uh-- Jen squints her eyes, slightly dazed -- _Girls’ Trip._

Jen is not drunk enough, she thinks to herself. Barely tipsy, same for Judy. She hadn’t wanted to get too far ahead of her friend, who’d been drinking rather slowly tonight. Nothing wrong with that, of course, it was just.... concerning. Especially paired with that uncanny and unusual silence.

“Hey,” She nudges Judy with an elbow, making a smile appear on her lips.

“Yeah?” Judy looks over to her. The curves of her face are accentuated by the TV light and her eyes gleam a little, her bottom lip standing out with its plumpness. Jen wonders if they’re soft.

Wait, what the fuck?

“Jen?”

“Yeah, yeah, um-” She snaps out of it, shutting the thought out of her brain as hard as she can and _hoping_ Judy can’t see right through whatever that was, “Just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

“Yeah,” Judy responds with false merriment, “I’m alright.”

“C’mon, Jude.” 

She attempts to chuckle without much success, and it ends up sounding like a pained inhale, “I’m fine, honestly.”

“Even though the woman you thought you were in love with is ghosting you?” She tries to be as soft as she can when she says it, but when Judy looks away, a hint of hurt flashing in her expressive features before she does so, Jen knows she failed.

Maybe Lorna was right. Maybe Jen didn’t know affection or tenderness.

“Aren’t you fucking pissed?”

She did know anger, though.

“Nope,” Her friend shifts on the bed, shaking her head slowly, the slightly curled ends of her hair moving along, “Michelle was just taking care of herself. I'm very proud of her for that.”

“ _Really?_ ” Jen can’t help the sarcasm and incredulity that drips off her lips. She wishes she had, though, because the frow settling over Judy’s features makes her feel guilty.

“What? I don’t have any hard feelings. I hope her the best, honestly. It just wasn’t meant to be … _energetically_ speaking. Maybe it might when she’s healed from her grief.”

“Right.” So, Judy did hope Michelle would come back. Why did that unsettle Jen so much?

“I’m alright,” Judy waves dismissively, yawning to show just how unbothered she is, “It wasn’t a serious thing.”

“Let me remind you, again, that you said you were in love with her.”

Judy just shrugs, “You can fall out of love just as quickly as you can fall into it.”

Wow.

“ _Jude,_ what is it really about? _”_

The brunette shoots her glance so unlike her, so… vulnerable and angry that Jen’s slightly sluggish brain needs a second to make _sure_ she’s not looking at her own face in the mirror.

Nope, she isn’t.

“Can we just watch the movie?”

“Alright,” Jen’s lips part awkwardly, “Let’s.”

“Thank you,” Judy says softly. As a demonstration of her thanks, she snuggles into Jen, who just smiles at her closeness, “I love this movie. There’s just something about Tiffany Hadish...”

“That’s gay,” Jen says without thinking.

Judy looks surprised for a moment and then she bursts into a genuine, loud, _happy_ laughter. Jen’s stomach flips at the fact she brought this joy to the brunette’s lips.

 _Wait, don’t think about her lips_.

“I am gay!” 

Jen just bites her lips and pokes Judy playfully. The statement echoing in her head for some reason, the carefree emotion behind it, as if Judy had never struggled with it, ever.

She shouldn’t think about the implications of this.

Silence falls again and this time, it’s a comfortable one. Especially because Jen can smell Judy’s lavender and rose shampoo, the one she’d excitedly made herself. 

And _maybe_ because they’re holding hands. Shortly after Judy snuggled into her, the brunette had grabbed her hand absentmindedly, not even sparing a glance or an explanatory word. It was as natural as a key falling into a lock.

And once again Jen is wondering what in the actual fuck is going on with her. They’d held hands before, they’d cuddled before, they’d said I love you _many_ times. Why was it now then, when her friend was perhaps at her most vulnerable, that Judy’s touch felt different, more intimate? Why did it remind her of when she first started to realise she was in love with Ted?

What had changed? What _was_ changing?

There was once or twice that Jen had let her gaze wander to the face of her friend. Perhaps searching for that answer. There she was: warmly tucked against her body, laying on Jen as if she was the most comfortable bed in the world. Looking as though… as though she might feel whatever _this_ was too.

Jen pulls away to breathe and doesn’t let herself touch the other woman for the rest of the movie. 

Judy doesn’t seem to mind.

Soon, though not soon enough for Jen’s confused heart, the movie’s over and they’re getting ready for bed. Judy moves to put their glasses and cutlery away in the kitchen and Jen is left to ready the bed and turn off the TV.

When she moves into the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash the day off her face, she stands right in the middle of the enormous room. Just thinking, mulling over what this strange feeling was.

She thinks, as ridiculous as she sounds, that she may have wanted to kiss Judy before. She lets out an alarmed, incredulous chuckle. _Me? Kissing Judy?_

The laughter dies in her throat when she realises that, as well as kiss her, Jen wanted to tell her all sorts of things, prod her brain, convince her to tell Jen what she was really upset about.

Surely, that was normal? They were just friends?

 _Oh,_ _fuck._

Now that she was alone and safe, with no lavender and rose shampoo clogging her brain, realisation sets in.

She kind of has a thing for Judy.

“What the fuck are you thinking, Jennifer?” She’s staring at herself in her mirror, the messy blonde hair, hazy eyes, the curves of her breasts. Her hand hovers above the place where the scar tissue is. The image of Judy kissing her there and telling her all the things Jen wanted Ted to tell her when he was alive comes slamming into her mind.

_Stop it, stop it, stop it._

It was fucking wrong to think of Judy like this, to break her trust, to take advantage of her kindness. It made her feel unbearably dirty and wrong.

The bond she shared with Judy was deep, certainly deeper than the one she had with anyone else, even Ted. But that was… just… friendship. They loved each other, they’d said just as much several times, they were each other’s person, in the most heterosexual way possible. 

It was true that Judy was the best person in her life. It was true Judy was the most beautiful creature she’d ever seen and it was even more true that ever since the whole Steve shebacle, all Jen’s wanted is to take care of her, be the one she felt safe with, whose shoulder she cried on.

( _Not_ Michelle, in other words) 

It was true that when she smiled Jen felt her stomach flutter. 

But it was just platonic. That’s all it had ever been, that’s all it would ever be.

But now that Michelle came into the picture and then left, now that she could imagine Judy with a woman…

Jen can’t stop wanting herself to be _that_ woman.

“Fuck,” She mutters out as she leans against the bathroom counter, hands burying in her hair as the realisation swells in her stomach and takes the form of panicked swearing

What the fuck. What the Fuck. What the Fuck. What the fucking fuck was going on in her fucking stupid horny brain---

“Jeeeeeen, I’m ready for bed.”

The blonde stands up quickly, quieting the loud inhale she’d let out of startlement. She smoothes her PJ shirt, breathes once and then again and again until she no longer feels like she’s tethering at the edge of a very dangerous cliff.

A very dangerous lavender and rose-scented cliff.

She couldn’t lose Judy because of some stupid fucking crush. _Right_. Okay, that’s what it was. A stupid crush, something silly and inconsequential. It meant nothing. It’s manageable. She can do it.

Comfortable in her totally authentic heterosexuality, Jen braves going back into the bedroom. To face Judy.

“You sleeping here tonight?” Jen says as nonchalantly as she can, forcing any ounce of eagerness that could be present in any part of her body away.

“If you don’t mind?” Judy grins sweetly, already getting into the bed.

“Sure, make yourself comfortable,” Jen fake rolls her eyes at the brunette’s antics. Her reward is the sweet sound of a chuckle.

“Hmmm,” moans Judy, “I’ll never get tired of this ridiculously comfy bed.”

Jen’s cheeks aren’t warming at all at the sound Judy’s made. Nope.

“Yeah, don’t get used to it.”

“Oh, this is _my_ bed now.”

“Don’t make me kick you to the guest house.”

“You wouldn’t!” Judy exclaims in fake shock. Her little smile tugging at the edge of her cheek, a small dimple appearing. She really was beautiful, wasn’t she?

“Just wait and see.”

Judy gasps dramatically as her little smile turns into a big, shit-eating grin, “How incredibly cruel of you.”

“Shut up and sleep,” Jen mumbles as she settles into the bed. Finding her place on her side, facing _away_ from Judy. She’s reassured as there’s no contact between their bodies. Jen can still smell her damned shampoo, though, and that smile is imprinted in Jen’s mind. A quiet groan leaves her lips and is muffled by the pillow.

“Night night,” Judy says as she moves closer to Jen, the warmth of her body radiating into the blonde’s back. It would be so easy for her to spoon Jen right now.

“Good night.”

A crush. A stupid fucking crush. 

  
  
  
  



	2. I Let The Beast In Too Soon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So what if she is scared? So what if she doesn’t deserve this? All she wants is a goddamn kiss for fuck’s sake, how harmful can that be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I got bored and decided to post it today instead of next Monday. It's ready anyway! Enjoy.

When the fight happens, Jen knows she can’t lie to herself anymore.

“JUST. FUCKING.  _ STOP IT.” _ Judy screams. She crumples over the wheel, face contorting in pain, gasping for air.

“Just stop it,” She repeats, this time in a hoarse whisper, sitting up again. Jen can see her body rattling with anguish but she doesn't see Judy. Instead, she sees the brokenness of an abandoned child speaking through her. The abandoned child Judy had been. And then Judy starts beating herself; hands balled into angry fists crashing down on her chest as if she deserved it, as if this pain was all her fault, as if she punished herself hard enough all of this would go away.

“Judy…” Jen whispers softly and runs towards her, desperate to make it better, to stop her from hurting herself, to make her just feel  _ anything  _ but this.

As Jen opens the car door and throws herself in, the stupid shit she said rings in her ears painfully. All the  _ dumb _ untrue things that spilled out of her mouth as she shook and cried in front of Judy. “Come here, baby, come here.”

And  _ Judy,  _ oh, Judy just wanted to comfort her and reach out to her. She’d raised a tender hand to her face and swore she could never hate Jen, ever. 

And what did Jen do in return?

She pulls Judy into her embrace wrapping her tightly, rubbing her back and arms, “Shh, it’s okay.”

“It’s not okay,” Judy whispers back, following with a sob. She sounds broken and small.

_This._ This is what Jen had done to her. She’d bullied and belittled her when all the brunette did was love her fiercely. How different was she from Steve now? From Judy’s mother?

No wonder Ted couldn’t stand her.

“I’m so so sorry, Jude,” Jen whispers and then plants a kiss into the curl of hair underneath her chin. She rocks softly back and forth with Judy in her arms and at some point, the brunette buries her head in Jen’s shoulder, her arms wrapping around her waist.

That’s when Jen knows.

Judy, curled up in her like a child who’s never gotten comfort before, keeps crying, albeit she isn’t shaking as badly anymore. A small mercy, Jen thinks, her own tears slowing down.

Still. It hurts.  _ So _ much.

“Did you mean it?” Judy pulls her head out of the safe space she’d made in Jen’s neck to gaze up at the very reason of her tears. Her eyes are red and puffy, her lip trembles, her nose is snotty.

“What?” She responds, moving back a little to get a better look at Judy’s face.

“Did you mean what you said about me?” says the brunette, sitting up and wiping at her nose with her sleeve, “That I’ll stick around for anyone who gives me any sort of attention?”

She won’t look Jen in the eye.

_ Fuck. _

“No. I mean,  _ yes  _ you do have a bad habit of doing that but--” She inhales, “That’s not- that’s not your fault.”

Judy just nods.

“Fuck, Jude. Look at me.”

She doesn’t.

“Baby, look at me.” She says it softer this time, allowing the realisation from earlier to seep into her voice. Jen resists the urge to touch the brunette's face with her hand, wanting Judy to choose if she wanted the contact.

“Hi,” She says between heavy brown bangs, uncertainty coating her voice, leaning into Jen.

_ Fuck, I’m such a fucking idiot. _

Jen reaches out to Judy slowly, letting the brunette lean into her hand. Hesitantly she does, eyes closed.

“There’s nothing wrong with you, okay? None of this is your fault. I was being an asshole and I’m so,  _ so  _ sorry.”

The silence that follows feels suffocating, to say the least. She does not blame Judy in the  _ slightest _ if she doesn’t believe her, if she doesn’t take the apology to be sincere. Jen wouldn’t, had it been her in that situation. But fuck, the idea that her words could cloud Judy’s head and make her think that, in any capacity, Jen didn’t  _ love _ her is torture. The cold air in the car makes Jen want to shiver, but she stops herself, not wanting to worry or disturb the woman resting against her. She waits. She’s not good at that, the patience, the waiting, but for Judy, she can do almost anything.

Judy sits up and looks intensely into Jen’s eyes. She has to stop the urge to squirm and look away.

“Do you think I just love you because you give me attention?” She says and relief stings at Jen’s heart. Judy still wants to look at her,  _ see _ her.

“No,” She shakes her head, “I just said that because… I-I don’t feel like I deserve you, Judy. I can’t understand why you love me like I’m- like I’m this amazing fucking person who can do no wrong.”

“It’s not like that,” She shakes her head, “I know you, I know your flaws and your fears. I know your soul. And you’re beautiful.”

_ Oh God, oh God, please stop me from kissing this woman right now. Help me just this once. _

But then the brunette’s hands are on Jen’s face, cupping her cheeks, her dark eyes swimming with tears but they’re edged with something other than pain. Still, a tear rolls down the brunette’s cheek, glistening in the street light. Jen brushes it away with a knuckle.

“You’re beautiful, Jen.” Her thumbs are rubbing soothingly on her skin. Jen’s breath hitches a little.

Jen nods to snap herself out of it, unable to open her mouth for the fear of what she might do with it. This isn’t the time, this isn’t the time, this is  _ not _ the fucking time. Judy is vulnerable and Jen will be damned if she does a Steve and takes advantage of her.

Fucking Steve.

“Thank you.”

Judy just smiles as if she knows something. 

_ Ugh, shut up. _

“Why don’t we go back inside, hm? I’ll fix us some snacks and we can watch something on TV until we sleep?”

“And wine?”

“And wine,” Jen can’t help the little smile tugging at the corner of her lips. The request is almost adorable, especially with the way her brown eyes look at Jen, soft as can be.

“Okay.” She sniffles, nose scrunching up a little shy, “I need my crystals.”

“Huh?”

“For balancing out my energy. They’re in the guesthouse.”

“Uh, okay,” Jen says. Crystals, right.

Jen helps Judy get out of the car, not that she needs it, it just so happens Jen’s reversed the role and become the co-dependent one. The one in need.

Guilt really is a bitch.

She wraps her arms around Judy, who reciprocates easily, and they fall into silence. It’s uncomfortable, it’s anxiety-inducing, it’s making Jen want to rip out her teeth.

“Did you  _ really _ want me to punch you in the face?” Judy interrupts the quiet,  _ thank god,  _ and it takes Jen one nervous second to realise that Judy is trying to reach out, forgive, even, with this humorous tone of her voice.

“Maybe,” Jean teases back. The silence she’d let envelop them earlier was more for her benefit than anything. She needed the time to sort through this mess of feelings, this burning love she had inside of her chest now, the touch of Judy’s hands and their close proximity fuel to the fire. And, of course, Jen doesn’t want to risk saying anything else that might be hurtful. She’s just glad Judy hasn’t just left ... like Ted did.

To Jen, it kind of feels like whatever intense emotion she has can only come out in a storm of rage. So she quiets herself, lets that feeling sit in her chest, clamping her mouth shut with an invisible hand because, if she doesn’t start screaming to push Judy away, again, she  _ will _ confess.

Neither of those things is acceptable.

And there’s Judy, with her stupid, silly quips showing Jen just how much she can lose if that feeling makes its way out of her.

“No, you definitely wanted it. It’s kinda kinky, I like it.” Her friend says, winking. Jen can still see a numb melancholy behind the smile but her gratitude is greater than her fear and so, she tries to fall back into their natural teasing too.

“Oh shut it,” the blonde jests, bringing the brunette closer to her, letting the warmth in between their bodies ground her, “Let’s get your rocks.”

“ _ Crystals _ .”

“Same thing.”

  
  
  
  


━━━━━━━━━━━━

  
  
  
  


In the end, they’d decided not to watch anything at all. Judy just wanted to lay down, talk and be in each other’s company (which totally didn’t make Jen feel  _ some _ type of way). Besides, the boys were at Lorna’s for the weekend making it a very, very good time to relax. Jen was just glad to have a break from the rollercoaster of events and emotions she’d been subjected to.

They’d settled on not drinking either due to the explosion of emotions from earlier. No, they needed to just calm down a bit. Apparently the pink and purple and blue crystals Judy put on both nightstands were supposed to help with that or … something.

So here they were, lying down on the mattress, completely sober, just bathing in each other’s warmth. And here, looking at Judy’s face, finally clean from all the pain of earlier - though Jen knows, it’s not gone and never will be - she can revisit the revelation that’d come in the middle of their fight.

The fact of the matter was that she was in love with Judy Hale. It was clear now. That was the reason why she’d been jealous, overprotective and full of  _ inappropriate  _ thoughts for her best friend. It wasn’t just a simple crush. It was beyond that, deeper and simply more than the word love could express. As big as the moon and twice as wide.

Well, fuck.

A little chortle comes in her left ear and Jen turns on her side to face Judy, doing just the same, “Whatcha laughing at?”

“I don’t know, just kinda ridiculous the many emotions we’ve cycled through today.”

“Amen to that,” Jen says as she adjusts herself on the bed so that her head is in line with her friend’s.

“I kind of can’t believe we’re okay…”

_ Oh, baby. _

Jen touches her shoulder, “No matter what, we’ll always be okay.”

“Yeah,” Judy smiles.

“I love you so much.”

Judy’s grin only widens as she echoes back, “I love you too.”

Despite any and all her reservations, Jen allows herself to be pulled into an illusion, for just a second, a treat for not fucking  _ everything _ up. In it, Judy is in love with her too and declared it with as much passion and fierceness as Jen did. In it, the grin on Judy’s face wasn’t just platonic, familial love, it was passion and mirrored Jen’s feelings for her.  _ If only… _

She looks up into her friend’s eyes. The brown orbs had never been unremarkable but now, cast in the light of Jen’s newly revealed love, they seem to her the most beautiful they’d ever been. Jennifer can’t remember when it was the last time she felt this giddiness at the sight of a loved one or the last time she felt like with one look, she’d fall apart for that person. Had it been like this with Ted? It’d been so long since they’d seen eye to eye and since they truly and deeply loved each other that the answer was escaping her. Regardless, here was this feeling, whether new or old, reciprocated or not it was  _ here,  _ wild and screaming in Jen’s heart and soul; it might as well be eating her alive because she can’t stand being next to Judy without spilling the truth at the tip of her tongue. Every single word she’d wanted to say instead of the bullshit she screamed out earlier as she stood crying in that fucking garage, encompassed by self-hatred so deep she thought she’d drown them both in it.

So what if she is scared? So what if she doesn’t deserve this? All she wants is a goddamn kiss for fuck’s sake, how harmful can that be? No, no, she can’t think like that. It was an incredibly slippery slope; one wherein she’d crack all the bones in her body and lose her herself. She can’t lose Judy. This is terrifying, the thought that instead of anger consuming her love just might win. But all that she’d lose along the way…. Maybe even Judy.

_ No, Jennifer. _

She can’t… She shouldn’t…But a  _ kiss… _ she falls back onto her back with a groan, forgetting the brunette can hear her. This wrestling match inside of her needed to cease. Now.

But of course, it wouldn’t. Of course, Judy had to make it hard for her because what did the brunette just do? She’d gotten on top of Jen, pressing her body against hers as the brunette’s waves fell around them. Her expression was inquisitive and her body was supported on hands that were on either side of Jen’s face. 

Oh, and her breasts were hanging freely over Jen.

“What was the groan for?”

“Uh,” Jen swallows hard, avoiding her gaze and the nipples she  _ could _ see if she lets herself look into Judy’s braless shirt, “uh.”

“Cat got your tongue?” Judy says cheekily, a giggle coating the words.  _ Fuck. _

“Maybe,” is her braindead response. 

“You know I’m not clueless, right?”

“What?” Jen’s body immediately tenses.  _ What the fuck is she talking about? _

“I see exactly what you’re thinking, my friend.”

Jen’s mouth widens and the cool heat that settled in her core (which she had masterfully ignored until now) went cold, “Judy, I can explain I-”

Judy lets out a loud laugh and, finally deciding to take some fucking pity on her, sits up instead of hovering above her like  _ that _ . The ceiling light shines behind her hair, making it a brighter brown and outlining her body in the loose-fitting flowery, silk robe.

“Nothing, I’m just messin' with you!” Jude chortles loudly, her hand going up to her adorable face, rings glinting. _ Right. _

“Judy, what the fuck!” Jen sits up immediately - a mistake since she’s now very, very close to Judy’s round, soft-looking  _ uh,  _ she swallows hard, boobs.

The brunette straddling her just laughs in delight. Her beautiful face exudes so much freedom from self-restraint that finally,  _ finally _ Jen makes a possibly stupid decision. 

Jen’s hand goes up to cup Judy’s face, the brunette’s expression becoming serious at the touch. Jen rubs her thumb over the woman’s cheek and then over her plump bottom lip.  _ Shit,  _ she thinks after the impulsive action has been carried out,  _ no way out. _ Judy’s hand sneaks up Jen’s arm, caressing with her fingertips, and comes to rest upon the hand on her face, gently. Jen’s heart starts to beat a little faster and goosebumps poke out in her skin.

“What are you doing?” Judy says in a husky voice that sends Jen’s breathing spiralling as hard as her heartbeat.

“I don’t know.” She admits. She should be angry and resistant like before, she should be talking, swearing herself out of it, but the more she touches Judy so intimately, the harder it becomes to breathe, the more she realises she’s just scared. That fear encompasses her greatly, swallows her deeper than her anger does and Jen knows it will only disappear if she just  _ kissed _ her.

And kiss Judy she did. That hand upon the brunette’s cheek wraps around the back of her neck, seeking that warmth, bringing their lips together. There’s no hurry or the hunger Jen felt accompanying that fear. It’s so much lighter than the blonde thought she was ever capable of. The fear comes rushing right, right, right back but so does her anger, so does her need to trash against what she’s been told is good for her. Here, she decides this kiss is what she wants; maybe she stood a chance of being loved back. Fear and hope mingled together in her chest, causing a swarm of conflicting thoughts. And as she brushes her lips against the other woman’s, a whisper of skin on skin, her hand shakes so much she’s worried she might accidentally slap Judy’s face.

Still scared, she presses a little harder into the brunette’s mouth, craving to feel the warmth of her lips, craving for a little more  _ just  _ in case it never happened again. Just so she could remember this forever. The tip of her tongue touches Judy’s warm mouth and Jen has to stop herself from moaning.

Judy breaks this trance by pulling away slowly and Jen’s thankful she didn’t recoil in disgust but… her eyes are cloudy.

Uh-oh.

“What was that?” she said in an indecipherable tone. Jen takes this to mean Judy fucking hates her now. Like a spell had just broken and she’s been smacked in the face with a wooden plank of reality, Jen lets her hand fall away from Judy’s soft face.

“I-I,” Jen licks her lips, suddenly dry, “I wanted to kiss you.”

“Oh,”

“ _ Oh? _ ” 

Judy moves off of her lap and sits at the edge of the bed, facing the far wall and that panic and fear take over any confidence Jen had felt. When Jen leans a little to catch a glimpse of the brunette’s face, she’s confronted by the same vacant stare Judy had in that hotel room. After Steve.

“Jude…?” Her voice trembles as she reaches out to touch her friend’s back, just for Judy to flinch as if she was being hurt.

“You can’t do that.” She declares quietly and presses her eyes closed with her trembling hands.

“What?”

Judy whips around with eyes ablaze with fury, lips shaping around a yell like she might, for the first time, express that anger Jen knew she tucked away in some forgotten corner of her mind.

But she doesn’t.

She just walks out of the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heheheh don't kill me


	3. I Wanna Crawl In With You But I Cry Instead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her stomach churns and sinks deep in her body as the fear blooms; Judy might leave her, she might lose the only stability she and her boys had. All because Jen couldn’t stop herself from taking, taking, taking. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo, ready for the next chapter?

When Judy leaves the room, she doesn’t slam the door. Jen watches it close softly, a click ringing out in her ears. She knows why she expected anger to tremble the walls: it was exactly how Ted had left her that night. Judy, too, had all the right to scream and yell, to let out the rage simmering in her eyes, that pot that had overflowed long, long ago. And yet, she’d left as softly as she came in, as quietly.

That hurts more than she can comprehend.

Jen just stands in place. The world seems beyond her, the shock numbing her skin, her mouth still half-open with the apologies she wanted to say. As if any honey-covered words could fix what she just broke, right now. She thinks that there might be a slight ringing in her ears, or maybe there’s remorse flooding her brain right now. It’s hard to tell, the only thing she is capable of ascertaining is that loss was brushing its lips against hers. Again.

_ Loss… _

Her stomach churns and sinks deep in her body as the fear blooms; Judy might leave her, she might lose the only stability she and her boys had. All because Jen couldn’t stop herself from  _ taking, taking, taking.  _

If only she could tell herself this was only once. That she, given any other time or circumstance, was as giving as could be. But that’s a lie - Jen is and always has been an incredibly selfish prick.

With Ted, she had screamed she never wanted to see him again _. With Judy… _

She snaps out of it, strolling to the door as fast as she can, the brunette’s name a silent prayer on her lips. It must have been twenty or so minutes since the brunette had left so there was a good chance that Jen could catch up with her. Wherever she went..

As she marches towards the stairs, she can’t help but think back to the altercation from earlier. What was she thinking, springing this on Judy so early… so close to the fight that had almost torn them apart? How could she have let herself fuck it up  _ again _ ?

She finds Judy sitting at the edge of the pool, feet in the water. Jen lets out an audible sigh.

“Judy?” She calls out as she walks slowly towards her friend, not wanting to scare her off a third time.

Judy doesn’t respond. Jen takes the liberty to sit next to her, rolling up the bottom of her pants and then dipping her feet into the cold water.

“I’m sorry for running out. That was stupid,” Judy breaks the silence and Jen casts a glance at her, shocked.

“No, I should be the one apologising. I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have…”  _ kissed you.  _ Jen can’t bring herself to say it. So she takes a chance and reaches out with her hand, fingers brushing against Judy’s and thankfully, she doesn’t move away. Jen offers weakly, “It was nothing, okay?”

Judy waves her feet in the water slightly, enthralled by the waves that reflect the backyard light, “Right.”

“Are we okay?”

“Yes,” Judy looks up with a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes, “Of course.”

And because Jen’s an idiot, an absolute coward, she pretends to believe it.

  
  
  
  
  


━━━━━━━━━━━━

  
  
  


In the first days after the… accident, Judy had acted normal. She hadn’t pushed her away as expected, she hadn’t stopped being as tactile as she was or as caring. It was like nothing had ever happened, no kiss in her bedroom, no freakout. But Jen was smart enough to not fall for the facade Judy had put up. No matter how ‘normal’ things seemed to be, Jen could always glimpse something amiss, something familiar in Judy’s eyes, an ache of sorts. It would always leave too soon, hidden away into the many bottles Judy had in her mind to allow that brightness inside of her to shine without interference. For a little while, she told herself it was a sadness like the one present after Michelle had ghosted her; whatever had been gnawing at her friend,  _ that _ was what had resurfaced here. It had nothing to do with the kiss at all. Maybe she was just wishing it was Michelle who’d kissed her instead.

And it worked for, say, a couple of weeks. Jen pushed herself to act casual, to give the same amount of touches and maintain their closeness as hard as Judy did. She tried not to give more than she was being given, or take more than what was being taken. In this way, perhaps, she could atone for that stupid mistake she’d done whilst intoxicated with delusion. Maybe she could atone for being such a demanding fuck-up. And maybe, just maybe, everything would truly lock into place and be normal again. 

Sure, ‘normal’ could never really be the same since she now knew that, despite all her attempts, she was far too deep in love with Judy. 

Nothing could ever be the same now that the feel of Judy’s lips was imprinted on Jen’s memory. No, how could she ever forget what it felt to believe eternity was theirs, that when time was suspended as they both touched lips, the world could come together perfectly once, just once, and Judy would love her too.

But it didn’t. Whatever silly, misguided burst of bravery had overtaken her was now gone, replaced by a deep tremor inside of her that resembled an earthquake; just waiting for her to make one mistake so the feelings she’d tightly guarded with raised fists and an angry, reluctant heart, could tumble out and destroy everything, once and for all.

It feels almost fitting that Jen’s life would be destroyed at her own hands. Not at Ted’s or Steve’s, or even Judy’s. Jen was the catalyst in the massive chemical fuck-up that her life had become.

And as Jen watches Judy hum about the kitchen, preparing dinner for their boys, she knows the earthquake needed to be kept at bay. No more kisses, no more fantasies of requited love, no, no, no, she couldn’t risk it again. And okay, she realises how ridiculous this sounds because she told herself before she wouldn’t fuck things up but then went and did just that. But this time it’s serious, she could swear on a fucking bible, she won’t break this. She won’t break Judy.

She won’t break her own heart. Not again. Because every time that  _ thing _ flashed in Judy’s eyes, every time their familiar touches felt far and like a forced mirage of what used to be, her heart tears more. It made it harder and harder for Jen to believe this wasn’t about her.

The choice was made. Jen would do what needed to be done, she would forget, she would lie, she would atone.

God help her.

  
  
  
  


━━━━━━━━━━━━

  
  
  


It works well.

_ Too well. _

Jen has been tethering the line, delicately holding back the storm inside of her, the anger sprouting from hurt and hopelessness. The promise not to break one of the only good things in her life remains strong and sturdy against the wild beating of her heart whenever Judy would laugh genuinely.

And now?

She’s going on a date. Somehow, at some point, Jen had gotten on a dating site, feeling ready to move on from the blip in her feelings, from the time she thought she was in love with Judy.

Fine, she was still very much in love.  _ But _ … she thinks as she slips her black dress on, admiring herself in the mirror,  _ she’s gotten a hold on it. _

One morning she’d thought, _ maybe what she needed to truly, fully, move on was to get with someone else.  _ Which feels so incredibly stupid, so fucking stupid that she wants to slam her fist into the wall the moment the thought comes into her head. Instead, she pulls up some random dating site and scrolls through it. 

_ Single and ready to mingle? _

_ Ugh. _ She already felt pathetic. Regardless, she set up a profile for herself. It was a couple of days before she’d gotten a message: some sleazy-looking sixty-something old man. That was when she realised here parameters were wrong and she needed to narrow down the age and … maybe the physical attributes. She didn’t know how to, though - it had been a struggle to find a picture of herself and then upload it and now she had to  _ edit _ traits and all that shit. Jen started to feel her age, then.

Jen moves to the bathroom to straighten her hair and apply some make-up. A seductive, red lipstick paired with mascara and some blush. Some days ago, during the time she was setting up her profile, in her bedroom, Judy had barged in with a bottle of white. Jen scrambled quickly to change the tab, startled by the unexpected visit, but once she looked at Judy’s curious face, she knew she hadn’t been fast enough.

“What are you hiding there?” The brunette said with a smug smile on her lips.

“Nothing.”

“Tell me,” Judy said as she put down the glasses on Jen’s nightstand and raised an eyebrow, “Is it something naughty?”

“What, fuck no. It’s nothing. Pass me the wine.”

Judy handed out the glass of wine to her but as soon as Jen reached for it, she pulled it out of her reach with a  _ nuh-uh. _

“Jude…” Jen groaned, heat warming her cheeks at her embarrassment, every cell in her begging Judy to just let it be. She and Judy had avoided  _ that _ topic for weeks and bringing up romance felt like an invitation for thoughts about  _ the incident _ to come barging in. Jen couldn’t bear any awkwardness from it, any hesitation that may come from Judy so please, please, _ please,  _ let her forget it, “Drop it.”

“Hmmm…” Judy hummed as she handed the wine to Jen, filling her own cup and then flopping down on the bed. There was a second where Jen was about to hold out her breath, relieved that the brunette’s probing curiosity seemed to not push, but then the brunette leaned forward and snatched her computer in one swift movement. Jumping out of the bed, balancing the computer on a hip, opening up the screen and tabs. 

“JUDY, what the fuck!” Jen yelped and went after her friend, who was chortling to herself.

“A  _ dating  _ website, huh?” She said wiggling her eyebrows suggestively, “Didn’t peg you as the online dating type.”

“Jude!” She lunged for the laptop, once successfully doing so, she sent Judy a scowl and sat down, “It’s not like that.”

“Not like what?”

“I don’t know I just…”  _ wanted to get over you,  _ “felt curious.”

“Right,” Judy giggled a little and rose the glass to her lips, crossing her legs now that she’s sitting at the bed, “Want my help?”

If Jen hadn’t flattened down all her feelings for Judy, she  _ might _ have felt a little disappointment at how happy she seemed. If Jen hadn’t pushed aside the pure joy she felt whenever Judy was around, she might have felt a tinge of annoyance that there was no jealousy at all. Thankfully, Jen had been practising for this - for when someone moved on (she had expected to be Judy, of course) so that she could do her best and not be an absolute shithead of a friend; so she hadn’t felt those things. At all. She just focused on the embarrassment - the one true emotion she could discern wasn’t born out of the love she had for Judy.

“What makes you think I need your help?!” Jen attempted to joke, rolling her eyes at the brunette, “I can get a man on my own, just fine.”

Judy tilted her head, barking out a laugh then raising her glass to her lips. _ What the fuck is so funny? _

Jen looked away as not to let herself see the way those lips wrapped around the glass, how the wine travelled down her throat, the little smile that was on her face. It was too dangerous.

Several quips and insults later, Judy had convinced her to let her help. They’d chosen another profile pic (Judy had said “Oh, you look  _ gorgeous. _ ” in such a soft voice Jen had felt the little tremors of that earthquake as it came close to sparking back to life), and written a ‘bio’. 

Much to her surprise, when it came to putting down sexuality and preference, Judy clicked  _ all _ the boxes. Men, women and all those in between.

Just like that. Jen gulped on empty air, hard, trying to choke back the words trapped in her head.

_ Judy thought she liked women and more… just because she’d kissed her that night. _

_ Did _ Jen like women? Or did she just like Judy?

So because of that, she’s now getting ready for a date with another woman. Jen checks herself in the mirror again, pleased at what she sees, moving into the bedroom to put on her shoes afterwards.

Then she’s off on her date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this one was a little short and not as saucy I might post tomorrow. Till then x


	4. You Didn't See My Valentine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Thank you,” Judy stands on her toes and kisses Jen’s cheek which warmed at the touch, the blonde’s stomach fluttering.
> 
> “For what,” Jen says breathlessly, feeling that tight hold on her feelings loosen as she looks at Judy’s heart-shaped face. No, no, think of Rebecca, think of … 
> 
> “For the boys…” Judy interrupts her line of thought as she raises her hand to Jen’s face, thumb stroking her lip, “For being you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there gays, here is chapter four. We're almost at the end!!!! 
> 
> I also realised I haven't credited the titles of the fic as well as the chapters - they're all from Fiona Apple's discography. If you want to have a feel for the mood I was going for have a listen! I'll list the names of songs from now on but here's the last couple of chapters:
> 
> Chapter 1- The Way Things Are  
> Chapter 2 - Fast As You Can  
> Chapter 3 - Love Ridden  
> Chapter 4 - Valentine.
> 
> The fic is titled after the song of the same name :)
> 
> Anyway! Enjoy.

“Tonight was wonderful, Jennifer,” Rebecca says as she leans over to tuck a stray strand of hair behind Jen’s ear, “I hope we can do it again, sometime soon.”

To answer the question from before: Jen did like women. Very Much.

“I agree,” Jen smiles back, leaning a little into the other woman’s soft hand, “I had a great time.”

“Can I kiss you?”

Jen laughs loudly at the woman’s bold request, raising an eyebrow, genuinely enjoying herself. “Do you really have to ask?”

Then Rebecca grabs her, rather roughly, by the neck and crashes their lips together, all teeth and tongue, as they passionately kiss. A part of Jen is self-conscious at kissing her like this, in front of her own door, where her children or (worse even) Judy might see. But when the taller woman scrapes her bottom lip with her teeth, one hand grabbing Jen’s hip, she finds it in herself to not give a fuck.

When they part, they’re both breathless. Jen laughs again, partly due to this newfound passion and partly due to the very expensive wine in her veins. It’s nice to get a glimpse of the daring girl she was before Ted. So long ago...

“You’re eager,” She teases, allowing a more dominant energy to encompass her. With Ted, with  _ men _ , she hadn’t necessarily been submissive. But this was different. The playing field felt even, equal and more dangerous. It made her more excited than she cared to admit.

“You aren’t?” Rebecca teased back. Jen just plants a soft, promising kiss on her lips as a response. 

“Call me.”

“I will,” Jen says as she watches the brunette walk away and drive off in her sports car. Her very  _ nice _ sports car. 

Jen unlocks her door, takes her shoes off at the entrance and makes her way up to her bedroom, resisting the urge to look around for Judy. On her way there, she checks in on both Charlie and Henry, the former scrolling on his phone in bed, the latter sound asleep. After she tells Charlie to turn his phone off and gotten back a  _ how was your date _ from him, to which she’d rolled her eyes and fully ignored, Jen makes her way to her bedroom.

_ “You’re going on a date, mom?” Charlie had said in that shit-eating tone of his. She’d just told him to shut up if he wanted to keep his gadgets for the night. He laughed. He looked so much like Ted then it made her hurt. _

She sighs a little bit at the memory, rubbing at her temples habitually, forcing herself to think of something else.

The date.

_ Fucking hell _ . That had been a wonderful fucking date. Jen is sure she’s never met a woman like Rebecca before - so much like herself, but so different too. Full of life, like she didn’t have anything weighing on her (like the death of her husband and the murder of his killer) like she wasn’t in love with someone unattainable. When she’d matched with her, she noticed the brunette hair and the brown eyes. She thought at first that it was a little dangerous, being with someone with such physical similarity to Judy. Once they started talking, however, Jen saw that the two were nothing alike. Whereas Judy was soft and sweet, Rebecca was tough, almost brutish in a really, sexy endearing way. She had a pretty, filthy mouth that was as snarky as Jen’s and, no offence to Judy and her sons, she’d missed having someone like her around.

The entire night, they’d joked and laughed and drank, conversation flowing easily, littered with curses. Jen felt light, that earthquake far, her heavy heart beating normally. It felt like what it did with Judy. 

Before Jen had gone and caught feelings, that is.

So maybe…  _ maybe _ , Jen thinks as she takes off her make-up and undresses in her marble bathroom, maybe there’s a chance for her just yet. She can keep the friendship with Judy as sweet as it is now and still find someone to love… someone she’s worthy of. And the way Rebecca had kissed her on her front porch made her feel worthy enough.

Not that Judy doesn’t, Jen thinks, she does and that’s the problem. Judy makes her feel like Jen deserves the entire world, the universe and all the stars dying and being reborn. But Jen, deep down in the corners of her rotting heart, knows Judy’s purity can’t be untainted by her (a part of her is scoffing at herself;  _ purity? _ Judy had probably gone through twice as much as she had…)

No… she conjures the look on Judy’s pale face when they’d kissed… No, Judy deserved better.

Maybe Jen could learn to deserve someone too. Maybe Rebecca, with her hungry lips and witty mouth. Maybe she was what Jen needed to forget the sensation of Judy pressed up against her, warm tongue and soft cheeks.

_ Fuck off, Jen. _ She murmurs to herself as she settles herself in bed,  _ Stop overthinking it. Just … let it be. _

So before Jen went to bed, she sent Rebecca a text.

_ I can’t wait to see you again. _

  
  
  


━━━━━━━━━━━━  
  
  
  


_ Next Friday at mine? _

Jen has a stupid smile on her face the moment she reads the text which, really, she shouldn’t because she’s at the dinner table. With her children. With Judy.

“Did your girlfriend text you back, mom?” Charlie teases her.

“Don’t be an ass,” She scoffs, “Finish your dinner,  _ especially _ those vegetables you’ve been avoiding.”

He just rolls his eyes, “I think I have the right to know if we’re going to get a second mom.”

“Oh my god,” Jen mutters, trying not to look at Judy.

“A third mom, you mean.” Henry quips in, playing with his food.

“What do you mean, buddy?”

“Cos Judy is our second mom, right?” He says as she shoves a forkful of carrots into his mouth.

Judy, who had been watching them talking with a little teasing smile on her face, who Jen had made a point of not looking at, freezes and her eyes go wide.

_ Shit. _

“Boop…” Jen starts, not sure what to say but needing desperately to conjure something to take away whatever bad feeling Judy is getting consumed by now. Surely, this just reminded her of her own children, the ones who died, the ones she craved for and could never have. Besides, Jen didn’t want to impose that role on her, despite what she’d done for them, how well she cared for the boys  _ and _ Jen, it was the last thing that the blonde wanted: for her to be trapped. Jen knew what that felt like. But Judy’s hand rests on her own, sending a jolt up the blonde’s arm and shutting her mouth.

“It’s an honour to be your second mom, Henry.” She interrupts with a softness and tenderness so sweet that Jen wants to kick herself. Of course, Judy wasn’t offended,  _ of course, _ she loved those boys so much; Henry calling her mom could never be an offence.

That… does make it a little complicated though, in case, no,  _ when _ , they both get partners. How would that work?

Charlie, the little shit, is looking at her with an eyebrow raised as if to say  _ yeah, mom, how does  _ that  _ work? _

He was so much like her it was starting to become a problem.

Jen just leaves it at that, seeing as both Judy and Henry are happy and chatting away about his day, his adventures into art that Judy is so proud of. She kicks Charlie softly under the table as a warning; she doesn’t know what exactly, but she really needs him not to say anything that might make it awkward. Thankfully, he complies. That is until they’re putting their dishes into the dishwasher.

“So…” He starts as he throws the remainder of his food into the trash, Jen not saying anything about it, “Rebecca, is it?”

“Yup,” Jen says drily.

“She gonna stick around?”

“Maybe.”

“Why?” 

Jen’s head snaps up from the plates she’d placed into the machine.

“What do you mean why?”

“I mean, it’s like what Henry said, right? Judy is our second mom…” He trails off expecting her to know what he meant. Despite how irritatingly perceptive he’s being right now, the  _ our  _ made Jen’s heart warm and ache. Charlie’s adolescent angst made his demonstrations of love and gratitude more subtle and Jen does not doubt that  _ ‘our mom’ _ meant more than he could say.

She just looks at him, shaking her head in a carry-on-then motion, putting on her best mom look.

Charlie seems a little uncertain of himself as he looks at her, shifting on his feet before putting down the plate he has in his hand. Jen freaks out a little at his seriousness, “What?”

“Look…” He says, stepping close, his face so serious he looks older than his years, “I don’t get why you and Judy aren’t together.”

“What?” 

“Come on, mom! You’re totally into her.”

“ _ What?!” _

He rolls his eyes again, “I’m not stupid. I see the way you look at each other. I don’t get why you’re going lesbian with some woman instead of Judy.”

She’s so taken back her mouth is wide open. She straightens her back and frowns, raising her shoulders as the panic swells within her, “First, I am  _ not _ going lesbian. I like men  _ and  _ women, thank you very much,” Charlie just groans at this, as if his mother talking about her sexuality was  _ cringe _ , “Second, Judy and I are just friends. I don’t know  _ what _ you’re talking about or what you think you’ve seen but nothing is going on.”

“Sure,” Charlie shrugs, not seemingly affected by her tone, “If you say so.”

“Yes, I do say so.”

“Yup, I know.”

“And I also say that you don’t bring this up again.”

“Sure thing.” 

_ Oh my god _ , he’s so annoying she has to stop herself from screaming. Or maybe she wants to scream because her heart is fluttering with a gross feeling, akin to  _ hope _ .

God, she wants to throw up.

“Just- just go to your room.”

He flashes her a little smile, “Okay, mom number one.”

She just groans; that son of hers…

Charlie’s words keep ringing in her head, like a rhythmic migraine. Try as she might, that nauseating feeling inside of her just keeps rising, pushing through the earthquake perpetually moving the foundations of her self control.

“Ah, fuck!” She yells once she realises she's dropped a plate on the floor, too busy being irritated to notice before it slipped, “Fuck.”

“Henry wants to watch a movie before bed, is that okay?” Judy says out  _ of  _ nowhere and Jen jumps and curses, “Oops. Didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Ugh,” She mumbles once she’s picked up all the glass shards on the floor, “It’s fine.”

“Right…” Judy tilts her head, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Jen says, tight-lipped.  _ You, you’re what’s wrong with me. _

“Jen,” the brunette starts, reaching a hand to touch Jen’s shoulder, “Talk to me. You’re not usually this clumsy.”

“How the fuck would  _ you _ know, Judy?!” She snaps without thinking, then, “Shit, I’m sorry. I’m just stressed…” she dumps the shards in the bin, strolls quickly to the fridge to get herself wine, “Want a glass?”

“Sure,” The brunette grabs a couple of wine glasses from the cupboard, placing it on the counter, “What is stressing you out?”

“Uh--”  _ my newfound bisexuality and the massive, raging gay crush I’ve got on you,  _ “Some stupid listing, it’s nothing.”

“Okay, I’m sure you’ll work it out.”

“Yeah,” She pours them both a glass, “Sorry, what did you say about Henry?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah, he just wants to watch a movie before bed.”

“Yeah, sure. It’s a Friday so I don’t care,” She mumbles, the exhaustion of the day getting to her, “I’m going to bed.”

“Wait!” Judy grabs her sleeve before she can leave, “Are we okay?”

“Yeah, of course,” Jen is taken back, so much so turns her body to face her friend, setting her glass down on the counter, right beside the bottle, “Why wouldn’t we be?”

“Because I let Henry call me mom,” The brunette shifts and bites her bottom lip. Jen’s gaze softens, moodiness giving way to the affection she had for this woman, “I don’t want you to think I’m overstepping or, even worse, trying to take your place in their lives-”

“Jude,” Jen interrupts softly, touching Judy’s arms with her hands, smiling, “They’re our boys, baby.”

Judy's shoulders relax at the term of endearment. Her face, previously scrunched up apologetically, now beamed with joy and tears started to well in the corner of her eyes, “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Jen says and she meant it, god knows she meant it. She doesn’t know how she could’ve coped without Judy, without her help, her support and unconditional love for their sons. And as she pulls the brunette into a hug, she hopes the warmth of her body and the pressure of her hand rubbing on Judy’s back can convey how much she means it; how this is  _ her _ family,  _ her _ home and will always be, “When Charlie was in the kitchen with me he agreed that you’re their second mom.”  _ and strongly suggested you look at me the same way I look at you. _

“No way,” Judy’s eyes are wide as she pulls back to peer up at Jen’s face, their faces  _ so close, “ _ Really?”

“Yup,” Jen bets she’s smiling just as brightly and widely as the brunette is. Judy buries her face in Jen’s neck as a response and squeals with excitement, “They’re in love with you.”

_ And so am I. _

“Thank you,” Judy stands on her toes and kisses Jen’s cheek which warmed at the touch, the blonde’s stomach fluttering.

“For what,” Jen says breathlessly, feeling that tight hold on her feelings loosen as she looks at Judy’s heart-shaped face.  _ No, no, think of Rebecca, think of …  _

“For the boys…” Judy interrupts her line of thought as she raises her hand to Jen’s face, thumb stroking her lip, “For being you.”

Jen feels the earthquake awake and she tries to think back to Rebecca, to what she had felt when they kissed, the power and hunger, the flame low in her core. But it feels like nothing at all in comparison to  _ this _ , to Judy.  _ Fuck, _ she thinks,  _ can nothing stop this? _

“No problem,” Jen steps away from the touch hurriedly, breathless and repeating to herself over and over that  _ she _ could stop this,  _ she  _ could do what was right.

Judy doesn’t look hurt or angered by Jen’s abrupt departure. Instead, she’s got this weird knowing look on her face. Jen feels incredibly unsettled.

“Wanna hang out?” The brunette asks, already rummaging the cupboard for snacks.

How could Jen ever say no?

“Sure.”

Another bullet dodged. Another chance for her friendship with Judy to continue to thrive. 

Once they’re upstairs and Judy automatically snuggles into Jen, the blonde can’t help but think of her son’s words.

_ I’ve seen the way you two look at each other _ .

She doesn’t know why a tear slides down her face.

Later, when they’re settling into bed, Jen texts Rebecca back.

_ How about tomorrow? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that you've read, answer me this:
> 
> 1) on a scale of 1-10, how much do you want to kill me right now  
> and  
> 2) Does Charlie have rights?
> 
> See y'all in a couple of days x


	5. Bang it, Bite it, Bruise it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen’s confession doesn’t go down in the way she expected. She thought, despite herself, it’d be in the middle of a drunken ramble or a fight, where she’d scream all sorts of obscenities mixed in with love, with the force of a fucking stampede and tears clouding her vision. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello gays! THIS is the chapter you've been waiting for. This is the reason why this entire story is E rated hehe. 
> 
> Thank you so much for the massive support you've given me on this fic. The comments and kudos keep me going.
> 
> Also, only posted today because realthicbitch encouraged me. So this one's for you.
> 
> This chapter's title takes after Fiona Apple's song "I want you to love me." Only fitting.
> 
> Enough talking, go enjoy!!!

“I’m sorry, Judy.” Jen says as her hands tremble and her heart beats painfully in her throat. The air is a thick fog that only riddles her stomach with nausea. It doesn’t help that Judy is looking at her with utter disgust.

“Why the fuck would you do that?” Her eyes bright with livid anger, her jaw clenched. Jen never thought she’d see this side of her.

She never thought she’d be afraid of Judy

“Tell me why the fuck you’d do that?” She yells so loudly Jen flinches, thought automatically going to Henry, hoping he’s not awake to hear this.

“Hey, I’m sorry,” Jen braves a step towards the brunette, who seems so tower above Jen when she wasn’t even wearing heels. She reaches for Judy but she slaps Jen away viciously, the hit of skin on skin ringing in Jen’s ears, her hand stinging more than it should.

“Get the fuck away from me!”

“Okay, okay,” Jen raises her hands in submission, “Please, tell me what I did wrong?”

“What _didn’t_ you do wrong _?_ ” The brunette snaps and then eyes her up and down, “You’re fucking disgusting, Jennifer.” 

Sudden cold air hits Jen’s skin, where it shouldn’t, where she wants no one to see and she realises with an overwhelming horror that she’s utterly naked. Her arms move to hide her disfigured breasts and her stomach churns with acid.

“Look at you,” Judy stalks closer, seething with an unnatural venom, “You’re fucking disgusting. Who could ever love you? Who could ever want to touch you?”

“W-what,” Jen gasps out, scrambling to find an ounce of safety away from Judy’s scrutinising gaze. Her hand goes to protect the spot between her legs, her other arm tightening around her chest. Her head spins wildly, “Why are you saying that to me.”

“Because it’s true. I get it now, I get why Ted wanted Bambi more than he wanted you,” Judy grabs her arms, her face twisting into a monstrosity, morphing with Ted’s, with that councilman who tried to assault her, with Steve’s as he yelled in her face before she killed him and then Rebecca’s, all their voices saying in a devilish choir, “Nobody could ever love you, Jennifer.”

She sinks to the floor under the gaze of this monster, this monster who now wears _her_ face, full of rage and wrinkles and dark pools of blood for eyes. Her skin is burning under the hatred and scorn. She feels like nothing, she knows she’s nothing, her own face screams at her all the obscenities she’s hidden under her skin, under her wit, under her unbearable and all-consuming anger.

“Oh, Jen…” The monster now coos in her mother’s voice and Jen throws up, attempting to run away, but her mother wraps taloned hands around her face, hard enough to bruise and bleed and whispers deceptively loving, “Nobody could _ever_ want you.”

She wakes up screaming.

“Jen?” Judy’s voice calls out and Jen screams again, startled by the figure in the dark.

“Hey, it’s okay,” She feels hands wrap around her shaking figure and she has no strength to fight her off, this nightmare, this nightmare, this nightmare of her own creation-

“Shhh… the nightmare’s over,” Jen feels Judy press a kiss to her forehead, soothing her with back rubs and comforting words. Jen’s not surprised she’d let her thoughts out into the air; there is very little control left in her now, “You’re okay.”

Despite herself, Jen buries her face in Judy’s neck, grasping hard at her saviour, mumbling a series of _I’m sorrys_ that makes her feel weak, vulnerable and gross. She feels nineteen again, motherless, angry and afraid.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” The brunette tightens the grip around her, “You’re okay, honey. I’m here, I’m here.”

And Jen, brain cells frazzled by the terror of the nightmare, just cries. She wishes she could push Judy off, say she’s fine, apologies for being an idiot and going right back to bed. But it was the first time she’d dreamt of her mother in a long time, of Ted. And it was fucking _terrifying._

Pastor Wayne had warned her it would all catch up, eventually. Even if he didn’t know about her mother, he was right on with his woo-woo Christian shit. And catch up to her it did...

Jen cracks a little that night. It was a long time coming sort of thing, she admits to herself quietly, what hadn’t broken when her mother died was now fragile and tethering at the edge of a canyon. Whatever it was, it changed constantly, moulding to her situation, becoming what she needed - anger, emptiness, depression. But never was it burning as red hot as it did now, never did it sing out the pain she hid since her mother first got diagnosed

Never did she miss her mother quite so much.

In Judy’s arms, Jen remembers what it’s like to know unconditional love was yours, to expect it, to own it. She’d always ached for it like a traveller without a home. But tonight, when the dam breaks, her heart hurts with longing, with a throbbing ache she felt in the days her mother wasn’t too sick to go outside and sit in the park, where the two of them would talk for hours about everything. This love was promising, comforting, natural. And the earthquake, carrying the full weight of that promise, finally, _finally,_ bursts, shaking all the foundations she set in her heart, breaking them down to rubble. Jen just weeps.

Because Ted hadn’t loved her like that. When would she ever get the chance to be loved like that again?

“Shhh…” Judy continues, “I’ve got you.”

But, mostly, the earthquake showed her that no matter how much she tried to push it out - the love inside of her was promised to Judy.

Because _she_ loved Judy like that.

If she keeps it to herself for longer, she might just explode.

For now, she pulls Judy close.

  
  


━━━━━━━━━━━

  
  


Jen’s confession doesn’t go down in the way she expected. She thought, despite herself, it’d be in the middle of a drunken ramble or a fight, where she’d scream all sorts of obscenities mixed in with love, with the force of a fucking stampede and tears clouding her vision. 

Instead, it feels like giving in; like noticing a crack in the spine of a special book and deciding there is no point in it handling carefully. Or, worse, realising, _accepting_ that the violent waves crashing against you are going to drown you regardless, so you may as well die in peace.

It’s a couple of hours later until Jen stirs awake, hardly remembering when sleep had taken her again. And like some cosmic power was trying to shit on her efforts to quell the trembling inside of her, Jen finds herself nestled into Judy’s neck, arm wrapped around her waist, their legs intertwined. She can’t remember the last time she was held like this, like the true broken, vulnerable idiot she is inside. Strike one.

When she’s brave enough to gaze up, Judy’s eyes are open.

“Hi,” The brunette whispers, a tender smile already forming on her lips. Strike two.

“Hi,” Jen’s voice is dry and her throat is sore, “What time is it?”

“A little after one.”

“Why are you awake?”

“Just making sure you’re okay,” Judy says so casually like one might say _oh, I’m just making some lunch_ or something equally habitual. Like watching over Jen as she sleeps was something she did every fucking day. Strike three.

“Fuck,” Jen mutters to herself, attempting some ounce of composure, grounding herself with the word, “Fuck, fuck, fuuuuuuck.”

It felt _too_ easy that it should go down like this. After weeks upon weeks of wrestling with herself, _this_ is how she loses? Because of a nightmare and Judy’s tenderness?

No. Maybe this is how she wins.

“What’s wrong?” 

Jen has to avoid Judy’s eyes, so wide and brown, so alarmed and full of genuine worry.

“I can’t.” Jen sits up, her chest starting to heave, the memory of the dream coming back to her. Her mother’s hands, instead of skeleton-like and pale, hateful and taloned. In her brain echoes _who could ever love you_ ; echoes _I don’t ever want to fucking see you again;_ echoes the sound of her fist hitting Ted’s face. The earthquake rumbles loudly in some part of herself, that nineteen-year-old girl she had been, lost and angry, now giving way to a soul who just wanted to _love._

_Fuck everything, fuck all this fucking pain. I’m so fucking_ sick _of it._

“What are you talking about?” Judy frowns, the expression so wrong on her face, causing Jen’s anxiety to spike.

“I can’t keep lying to you, Jude.”

“What?”

“I’m in love with you,” She blurts out without thought or hesitation, letting the earthquake take over her, the feelings flooding out, the fear, the love, the hope, the anger, all of it because the world might just fall apart if she didn’t.

“I’m in love with you, Judy… I have been since… fuck, I don’t know. I tried, I swear to fucking God, Jude, I tried to keep it away but then I kissed you and-and... _fuck,_ I was so scared I had to push you away _._ I wanted you so badly I had to go on a date with another woman to try and assuage that. And for a moment, for a stupid fucking moment,” she inhales hard, looking up to the ceiling in order to hold back the tears that welled up. The words, the feelings take a form of their own as they come alive, ripping through every part of Jen, so she continues to vomit out her heart as fast as her mouth will allow her:

“I really thought I was gonna make it, I was gonna get over you, I was gonna fucking move on a-and let you have the future you deserve, maybe with someone better because I don’t deserve to be loved, Jude,” She sobs, “I wasn’t _made_ to be loved.”

Judy’s mouth opens but Jen interrupts her, shaking violently, “But- but- then Henry said that thing about you being their second mom and then _even_ Charlie told me he saw the way we looked at each other and this stupid fucking ridiculous, fucking fuck of hope just started to rise again, so much I choked on it and dreamt of you calling me disgusting and then I woke up in your arms and I just knew that it’s just my self-hatred and the trauma and the grief getting in the way and I know we’re best friends and that,” She sobs again, “because you love me and I love you you’d help me get over it, you’d be kind and still be my friend because of course you fucking would, you’re wonderful. And I--”

“Stop.”

“What,” She gasps, lowering her eyes to Judy, whose expression trembles. The rambling at the mouth fades into nothing.

“Stop talking for a second,” Judy says and Jen just nods, tears streaming out, snot landing on the curve of her lip and as much as she’s scared she’s ruined everything she’s _so fucking relieved_ to not hold it in anymore, “Just breathe.”

Jen inhales and wipes at her mouth, understanding that she probably looks extremely hysterical right now. Kudos to Judy for knowing how to snap her out of it. Jen was right though, she could see it in Judy’s face that she didn’t feel the same way towards her. Judy was still kind and sweet and full of love so she was going to stick around anyway. 

Judy would never abandon her. How foolish she had been… how full of Ted’s betrayal had she allowed herself to become. How _stupid_ …

“Uh, I didn’t mean to dump all of this on you so late in the evening...” Jen offers as a means of starting her path down to normalcy again, to _hey Jude I’m in love with you but I can keep it platonic_. Because, despite this outburst, Jen sees it clearly now, she sees the mess of emotions coiled tight inside her unfurl just a little bit. Maybe all she needed was to admit her fears out loud, like this, to move on. From everything.

Judy straightens up a bit, shifting closer to Jen, sniffling. Jen’s never wanted to cup her face and pepper kisses on her skin as much as she did now. To be soft with Judy, to allow herself that extra bit of closeness was a dream as sweet as syrup. But just that - a dream.

“I love you, you know that?” Judy says, raising her hand to Jen’s cheek. She just nods, achingly waiting, “But…” _there it is_ , “this … what you’re feeling, it will pass.

Jen’s throat shuts, the dream going sour at the back of her tongue.

“It’s okay,” Judy smiles at her so brightly that Jen must look away. She’s devastated by Judy’s response; she’d expected disgust and anger or a forced sort of kindness, just to make Jen comfortable but not this empathy in her features, not this _time heals all wounds_ bullshit. Not the look in her eye that suggests there’s something she’s holding back. She can’t decide if this hurts more, “It’s okay. You’re gonna be okay… you’re doing so good with trying to move on and I think Rebecca could be really good for you, hey.”

“Why are you saying all of this?” Jen whispers after an awkward silence where she ponders what this off sensation in the air is .Was that what the feeling she’d felt in Judy’s arms? Unconditional platonic love? Had she confused it for romance in the haze of pain?

“To make you feel better-”

“No,” Jen shakes her head, “No…”

“No?” Judy seems taken back, maybe even a little angry. But her eyes, those brown fucking chocolate orbs start glistening a little and her bottom lip trembles. _No, no,_ there must be more than this - all those nights cuddling, all those evenings spent comforting each other, the touches, the glances, the way she freaked out when Jen kissed her but _only_ after she let Jen’s tongue into her mouth-

“No,” Jen reaches for Judy’s hand, grasping hard, looking into her eyes searching for the truth she’d always stupidly known, “Tell me you don’t feel the same.”

“Jen…”

“Tell me you aren’t-” A sob makes its way known, her voice raw with emotions, “-aren’t in love with me too?”

_(Jen hadn’t cracked just because of the dream. No. It was because she_ knew, _in some part of herself, in the part that felt relieved with her mother’s death, to know she was at peace, to know that, after all the suffering, there was always an end, that this was always hers. The earthquake didn’t just promise her that she could overflow with love,_ no, _how could she have been so stupid - the promise was that look in Judy’s eyes after they’d kissed, her panic, yes, yes, she sees it now, it was a promise of eternity in love)_

“ _Jen-”_ Judy’s face contorts with something and she takes in her lip, fists curling, “Don’t do this.”

“Just say it!” Jen snaps, “Just fucking say you’re not in love with me and I’ll leave it alone.”

Judy shakes her head vehemently, starting to mutter a series of no’s under her breath. She attempts to stand up, to move away, but Jen’s on her faster than she thought was ever possible, holding her by the arms as gently as she can but still conveying her certainty, “Say it, Judy.”

“What the fuck do you want me to say?” Judy yells with a red face. But she’s not angry, “ _Please,_ Jen, don’t do this.”

“ _Judy_ ,” She calls out with desperation, “Please, _please_ , just tell me the truth. I can’t bear any more lies. We can survive it, whatever it is.”

“I-” The brunette just stares at her for a moment, _that_ damned look in her eyes again, “I’m in love with you too.”

“Then why-”

“I can’t be with you!” The brunette exclaims exasperated.

Jen recoils as if she’d been slapped, “Why the fuck not?”

“Because… I killed the _father_ of your _children._ ” Judy buries her face in her hands. She reaches out a hand to touch her gently, “I can’t ruin your life more than I already have. I ruined Steve and I will ruin you, too. Can’t you see? I’m broken, Jen, I’m rotten, I’m-”

“No…” She pulls Judy closer, fingers trembling as she holds Judy’s face near hers, “You’re perfect.”

Judy barks out a bitter laugh, looking everywhere but at Jen, “Please. Just trust me. We shouldn’t be together. I’m trying to protect you and the boys, to protect _us._ There’s something irreparably broken inside of me, something wrong, like my code has an error in it or something. I just _know,_ okay?”

_Oh,_ God, Judy. Is that why she pushed her away that night? Is that why she’d behaved so weirdly these last weeks?

“Why did you run away when I kissed you?”

“Because if I stayed, I would’ve probably torn your clothes off,” Judy chortles, pain and embarrassment coiled together in the sound, “I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to get a grip because I’m so fucking stupid and weak. I give in so easily - I just can’t help myself. I wanted to be strong for once, just once. So, I left and when you played it off I was hurt but relieved. It felt right to let you go, to let you find someone who’s worthy of you and the boys.”

Maybe she had whiplash from the constant waves of emotions. Or vertigo, or something because her dumb brain manages to sputter out:

“Will you freak out if I try and kiss you again?” 

“Jen…” Judy sighs and squeezes her eyes shut before giving up, “No.”

There’s a beat before Jen’s reaching to touch Judy’s face, caressing the wet skin, trembling a little. This is happening. This is her winning.

And then Judy’s on Jen, so fast the blonde is in shock, so fast their noses bump together painfully and awkwardly. But she just _laughs_ really lightly for the first time in what seems like an eternity and so Jen joins in, the knot that’d tightened when Judy told her they shouldn’t be together starting to loosen. 

Judy kisses her this time around. It starts off as a soft, searching kiss but the moment Jen ventures her tongue into her mouth, licking Judy’s bottom lip for permission to enter, it deepens and explodes into a sloppy passionate mess. Jen’s hands grasp Judy’s hips attempting to get the younger woman to straddle her again but Judy just moans a no and tugs Jen instead. She complies at the clear message, flicking her leg over the brunette’s thighs, settling herself down on her lap the moment they manage to break apart from their kiss.

They’re panting hard but that’s no deterrent. Judy sinks her hands into Jen’s hair, making a mess of it, scratching at her scalp in a way that makes a shiver go down her spine. She deepens the kiss even further, sweeping the brunette’s mouth with her tongue as if to swallow her. And _yeah_ , that’s probably a little gross but who fucking cares? The woman she loves, loves her back - wants her in the same way.

And she’s sure as hell going to savour every fucking moment of it.

They lose themselves in the kiss and pause for breath for seconds only before they’re coming together again. Heat pools at Jen’s core and grows with each touch, each caress. But, God, when Judy moans into her mouth for the first time, Jen swears she’d become the wettest she’d ever been.

They part for a few seconds, caressing each other’s faces and Jen says, “Is this really happening?”

“Yeah,” Judy emphasises her point with a kiss to Jen’s lips. She buries her face in Jen’s neck, wrapping her arms tightly around the blonde’s waist. They hold each other for a while, the full weight of the vulnerability they’d exposed sinking.

Judy gazes up at her, “You sure you want me? We can stop, it’s okay.”

“No,” Jen frowns, “I want you.”

“Jen…”

“Oh, shush,” Jen ends the conversation with a thorough kiss.

“Mm,” Judy moans again, hips digging into Jen’s hips who in turn grinds against her. Jen’s surprised herself, really, because the desperate need for friction didn’t even ask her brain for permission, it just drove her hips hard against Judy’s thigh. But it’s not enough, it’s not enough and Judy knows it and she’s smiling against her mouth too smugly.

“Do you want me to touch you?” Judy’s voice takes a sensual note Jen had only imagined hearing (yes, okay, she _did_ imagine Judy like this) and as infuriating as it is, it’s also arousing the fuck out of her.

“Yes,” Jen says, resting her forehead against Judy after they break apart from the kiss, “Please.”

Judy kisses her again and flips her over with impressive strength. Jen’s breath hitches at the vulnerable position she’s in but fuck, she’s delighted. It’s been so long since she’d gotten laid and now _Judy_ was on top of her, ready to fuck her.

“Oh God,” She can’t help the moan travelling out of her mouth as Judy does her own travels. The brunette is kissing and nipping at the soft skin of her lover’s neck, tongue warm and wet, passionate and rough, “Fuck, Jude.”

And then she fucking stops. She moves up to glance at Jen’s less than happy face and she smiles. This isn’t just any smile: it’s pulling so hard at her cheeks there are lines around her lips and Jen feels tears clouding her vision as she sees the raw, uncontrolled love in those eyes.

“Oh Jen,” Judy mutters, raising a hand to caress her face, worry all over her voice, “It’s okay, we don’t have to.”

“No!” Jen exclaims not caring about how eager she must sound because she is really, really fucking eager, “I’m just so fucking happy. I can’t believe this is happening.”

Judy’s gaze softens, a little shy even, and she plants a soft kiss on Jen’s lips, “Me neither.”

“I’ve never done this before,” Jen admits. This, sleeping with a woman. 

“That’s okay. Just follow my lead.”

And they’re kissing again. Judy’s tongue takes over, her lips moving hungrily, her body pressing against Jen’s. And when they break away for breath again, Judy presses her thigh against Jen’s warm center, interrupting her breath, making her gasp and dig her fingers into Judy’s arm.

“Bitch.” Jen mutters and Judy just giggles in response.

Judy sits up and starts to untie the knot around her rob with unwavering eye contact. The more skin Jen sees, the more excited she gets and the faster her heartbeats. But Judy’s moving too slowly so Jen sits up, pushes the silk garment off her shoulder like a horny virgin boy and marvels at the beautiful woman before her. Judy just beams at her.

The brunette’s skin is so fucking beautiful, so soft to the touch. And as Jen lets her eyes settle on the round breasts, she bites her lips. Her right-hand squeezes around Judy’s breast, her mouth moving to take the nipple into her mouth, suckling, licking, biting. Judy grasps at her hair, breathing hard and moaning quietly. How can she still sound like an angel?

“Jennifer…” Judy drawls out, her hand burying into Jen’s hair and massaging her scalp. She arches her back, silently asking Jen for more. Her full name on Judy’s lips makes a rush of heat fill her face, neck and her core and without thinking about it, Jen’s bucking into the warmth between Judy’s legs. In return, Judy pulls her head back, roughly and Jen’s gasping into the air, missing the softness of the nipple on her tongue, mouth glistening and she’s never felt so fucking beautiful. Diving down, Judy kisses her, open-mouthed and then she’s pushing Jen down by the shoulders. Her hand slips under her shirt and Jen gasps, panics and grasps both of Judy’s wrists.

“Wait,” She says breathing heavily, “I’m scared.”

Judy frees her head from Jen’s grip and cups the blonde’s face, lowering her own so close they’re taking in each other’s breathing. She caresses her cheeks and rubs their noses together and when Jen seems a little calmer, she says:

“It’s okay to be scared. You’re safe with me, I’ll take good care of you. Every part of you is beautiful and your scars show how much of a badass you are.” She ends it with a sparkling smile.

Jen can’t help but smile back. Whilst her fear hasn’t entirely dispersed, Jen truly believes Judy, every word and intonation being perceived as its own declaration of love. Her heart aches at the thought of Ted, of what he’d thought, his inability to love her like this.

_No. Fuck him._

“Okay.” She nods, making the tears in her eyes roll down and Judy, sweet Judy, wipes them away with her thumbs. Then, grabs her chin and pulls her in for a sweet kiss.

“Thank you for trusting me.” She says and she caresses Jen’s sweaty forehead with her thumb. No matter how many times she showed it, Jen is still amazed at how caring she is. But mostly, she’s amazed at the fact it’s all directed at her. All hers.

“Thank _you,”_ Jen kisses Judy lightly on the lips, “for making me feel safe.”

“Just returning the favour.” Judy winks

“Really?” Jen feels her cheek warm with a feeling other than arousal.

“Yeah, you make me feel the safest I’ve ever been, ”

“Fuck,” she whispers, “I love you so much.”

“I love you too. Now, shall we continue?”

“Oh, _fuck_ yeah.” Her enthusiasm makes Judy laugh hard.

Jen lets Judy’s hands clutch the hem of her shirt and take it off. She closes her eyes nervously as she feels the cold air coat her skin, her breasts exposed, her chest breathing hard. She feels Judy’s warm hands caress her navel and make their way to her breasts and once she does, she starts to plant open-mouthed kisses on her scars.

“You’re _so_ beautiful,” Judy says in between kisses, making Jen’s skin tingle all over and her hands clutch tightly in her hair as a moan escapes her mouth. Once again, she wants to cry, once again she’s overwhelmed. Judy’s mouth is warm and wonderfully wet, moving from her chest to her neck, then back down to her breasts in an almost ritualistic routine. Meanwhile, Judy’s right-hand trails down her stomach, circling and whirling and then moving so perilously close to that wet sensitive area.

“Can I?”

“Yes.”

Now, Jen wasn’t particularly loud in bed, never had been, but the moment Judy dipped her hands into her pants and rubbed one, gentle circle on her clit, her gasp was pretty much a scream. 

She only hopes the boys aren’t awake.

Judy’s got a shit-eating grin, well pleased with herself, whilst she takes Jen’s pants off by hooking her fingers to the waistband. Jen happily complies by raising her hips, only thinking about how she’s now completely naked in front of Judy.

She can’t bring herself to be shy though, not that she has time to do so, because as soon as the PJ bottoms hit the ground, Judy’s wrapping her hands around her thighs, pulling her down to her mouth and kissing and nipping at them. Without much teasing, Judy soon licks down Jen’s wet folds.

“Fuck, Judy, _fuck,”_ Jen moans out breathly, the wonderful feel of Judy’s tongue making her eyes roll back with each stroke, her toes curling, thighs tensing, hips moving.

Judy presses Jen’s thighs open, limiting her movements and starts eating her out harder, now pressing into Jen’s clit liberally.

“Jesus Christ, don’t fucking stop.” She commands, unable to let go of that bit of control. But she doesn’t fucking care because Judy is doing such a good job of driving her to the edge, her face so pretty in between her legs. It looks so right and perfect, like this spot in between her thighs was always meant to accommodate Judy’s beautiful fucking face and that _talented_ fucking mouth.

Her left hand tightens around the sheets, her right hand pressing Judy harder into her clit, the extra pressure doing it for her so well that her back arches and she shakes, moaning out that she was coming. Judy just strokes harder with her tongue, fingers digging hard enough to bruise and it’s so lovely, so lovely, and Jen’s gasping and pulling at her hair at the increased velocity, riding her face, moaning, moaning, moaning, moaning until her walls are quivering and clenching around the aching emptiness inside of her and her back falls to the mattress as she breathlessly whispers _fuck!_

Her head rings. Her core aches deliciously, her clit throbs and Judy’s kissing her now, making her taste herself. Dazedly, she complies, sucking her taste from Judy’s pretty little mouth actually, fully, enjoying the debauchery of her own cum on her lover’s lips.

“That. Was. Amazing.” She says in between breaths and Judy flashes her a sensual smile, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand and placing a kiss on her lips.

“Not done yet.” And she isn’t fucking lying because the next moment Judy’s pushing two curled fingers inside of her and fucking her. Delight fills Jen’s chest as she realizes that the ache will settle, as she sees Judy’s blazing eyes staring up at her as she pumps her delicate fingers out. And Jen, in all her sensitivity, rides her fingers and comes fast, Judy’s name on her lips.

“Oh God,” She mumbles, completely worn out, “Fuck.”

“You’re amazing.” Judy says after she’s done kissing her way up, “I love you, Jen.”

“I love you, Jude.”

Jen pulls Judy close, into her arms, and presses a kiss to her sweaty forehead, as sweaty as her own, relaxing completely. Judy looks tired, Jen thinks.

“Don’t think you’re not getting your turn. Let me just recover and then I’ll show you what I can do.”

Judy laughs, “Look forward to it.”

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, that was a lot. Thoughts?
> 
> I promise to not take *too* long on the last chapter. :P
> 
> Until then!


	6. I Root For You, I Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Forever?"
> 
> "Forever."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GAYS HELLO!!!!!!!!
> 
> Let me start by apologising for how long it took for me to get this done! Life and Mental Health got in the way but I finally did it! Yay.
> 
> So this is the last chapter, yes but in a couple of days, I will be posting an epilogue to wrap everything up, because I felt like it. UUHH I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT?
> 
> Rated E for nasty things in the first half.
> 
> Enjoy, my friends. Feast, my gays.

As Jen took time lying down to recover from her fantastic orgasm, a more-than-pleased Judy had patterned downstairs to get them both a glass of wine, as quietly as she could. Not before praising her well done job several times until Jen kissed her into silence.

Judy’s antics made Jen smile like dumbly at the ceiling as she lied underneath the covers, marvelling at the perfection of it, how easy it had been to kiss her, to let her touch her and love her.

And she can’t fucking wait to make Judy feel the exact same way.

But.. she bites her lips as she shifts on the bed, she hasn’t forgotten what Judy had said. I’m rotten…

“I’m baaaack,” Judy sings-songs quietly as she tiptoes, two glasses of wine raised high in one hand, a bottle of wine in another. She puts them down at the bedside table besides Jen, posing like she’s on a runway then laughing at herself and plopping on the bed. She hastily kicks off Jen’s pants and shirt that she’d borrowed before sneaking down to the kitchen. Despite how intimate they’d been not even half an hour ago, Jen still finds her cheek warming at the brunette’s nakedness.

Jen clears her throat before speaking:

“Jude, I know we got carried away jumping each other’s bones but..” She stops when she sees Judy’s face crumple slightly. She moves to stroke the brunette’s arm and offers an easy smile,“No, everything’s okay. I just wanted to talk about what you said earlier.”

“Right,” Judy nods.

“About you being rotten and broken and ruining Steve…”

“Yeah,” Judy lets out a humourless breath, closing her eyes for a bit as if preparing herself for a hit. Jen resists the urge to sigh.

“It’s a bunch of bullshit.”

“What?” Judy’s eyebrows close together.

“It’s all a bunch of bullshit. You didn’t do shit to him, if anything-” She intertwines her fingers with her lover’s, “He’s the one who was rotten,” Judy winces, “I don’t … mean to speak ill of the dead, but you know I’m right…” Judy just nods, chewing on a lip, a squeeze given to their laced fingers, “I think - no, I know, you’re the best person ever, I know you’ve got a good heart and a good soul. And whatever you need to work through in order to understand just how worthy you are, I’m here… okay? I want you, all of you, not just the perfect, happy face you put on.”

“Okay,” then another tear is slipping from Judy’s right eye and when she looks at Jen...fuck, “You too. I want all of you.”

“I love you, you know that?” Jen’s eyes begin to blur with tears of emotion, the words soft on her lips like she’s whispering a secret.

No, no more secrets.

“Mhm… maybe you should show me just how much,” Judy mutters quietly but there’s a twinkle in her eye. Jen’s heart flutters.

“Whatever,” Jen says, stealing a kiss, both women melting like ice creams under a hot sun. She wants to make it deeper but Judy pushes away with a nuh-uh, claiming they had to toast first.

“To what?”

“To us,” Judy says rather shyly, mirroring the smile that spreads over Jen’s face then mischief takes over, “To the amazing sex we’ve just had, of course.”

Jen cackles freely and takes the wine glass Judy hands to her, “Alright, you’re getting cocky.”

“Well I made you my bitch, so why shouldn’t I?” The audacity in Judy’s eyes and that roguish shit-eating grin makes Jen equal parts annoyed and aroused.

“Fuck you!” 

Judy just tips her head back in response to her curse, her little brown eyes shining bright, “We’ll get to it, baby.”

“I’m gonna teach you a lesson,” Jen grabs Judy by the neck, pulling her in for a long, thorough kiss, the brunette on her lap. The brunette’s lithe body presses against her and Judy breathes out a gasp when Jen’s left hand goes to cup her breast. It’s firm, warm, soft and Jen’s body fills with delight at the feel of it. The fact she had gone so many years without allowing herself the pure ecstasy of boobs should be considered a crime. Even touching her own, back when they were actually hers, never felt like this.

Jen’s quick take off her shit and flip her over, diving down to kiss her again. This time, Jen makes a dance of it, moving her tongue slowly and deliberately, humming against the brunette’s mouth. Judy’s right hand moves from grabbing Jen’s ass to pulling her hair, moaning a little into her mouth, tongue matching Jen’s Spanish tango of a pace.

“Fuck,” This time, the moan sounds less angelic than before and paired with the delicious arch of Judy’s back, pushing her tits out, her nipples gracing the air with their perkiness, Jen’s desire goes into overdrive. She doesn’t want to be gentle. They have the rest of their life to make love, when the time is right. Jen has been too hungry for the taste of a woman, for the taste of Judy, to take it easy.

“Do you want me to fuck you, baby?” She mutters as she bites down on the brunette’s earlobe, tongue sweeping the skin right under her ear, fumbling to take her lover’s underwear off. She discards it in some corner of the room and takes a moment to look at Judy, naked and wanting. It feels powerful to take over like this, to be the one demanding something, bending your partner to your will. Judy fucking her was a true revelation, but Jen taking control is about to be a holy experience. She kisses her rougher this time.

“Jen,” Judy pulls at her scalp, hard, reciprocating the want for a little roughness.

Another bite, another long suckling of skin, “Say it.”

“Fuck me.”

Jen pulls back to look at her, frowning, towering above the brunette, “Where are your manners?”

“Fuck, Jen,” Judy moves her hips to gain friction against Jen’s thigh. Eyes dark as can be, blown with arousal, her face clear of all that cockiness and flirtatious attitude she’d had earlier, “You’re so hot like this.”

Jen pulls her hair, “I said: Where. Are. Your. Manners?”

A gasp, a grinding of hips, Judy’s wetness coating her skin, “Fuck me, please. Please.”

“That’s better,” Jen rewards her by pressing her thigh harder into the brunette’s warm cunt, eliciting a moan, letting her hump freely, “You’re a very good girl, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” Judy mumbles out, too lost in her own world of pleasure and wetness to speak.

“Yes, what?” She pulls her leg away suddenly and grabs Judy’s chin. Judy’s eyes go wide, a low whine at her throat.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“EW!” Jen draws back, wrinkling her nose.

Judy bursts into laughter.

“That makes me sound SO old.”

“You asked me to say it!”

“Yeah but I didn’t know it would sound so weird!”

“What do you want me to call you then?”

“Mmm,” She leans down again, pulling at her lover’s bottom lip, “Let’s just go with it. See how it feels.”

“Yeah?” Judy licks her lip. Jen pushes her back down onto the mattress by pressing down on her chest.

“Yeah.”

They stare at one another for a bit. Jen can smell how wet the brunette is.

Judy finally breaks, “Please, will you fuck me now?”

“No.”

“No?!” The word catches in the brunette’s throat as Jen grabs her hips and guides her to her knees, face down, ass in the air. Jen, flooding with desire, grabs Judy’s ass in her hands, hard, then slaps it once, twice, three times. Judy moans and flinches, her pussy glistening, the smell of her rising to Jen’s nostrils. She feels almost like an animal, driven by desire and scent. She pulls on Judy’s hair to get her on her knees, back up again, pressing against the blonde’s front and Jen’s hands grabs her breasts in full, fingers running over her nipples.

“Oh, God.” 

Continuing to fondle her breasts with one hand, the other trails down to her naked pussy, through her trimmed pubic hair, finally arriving at her wet lips.

“You are so wet for me baby,” and she’s pushing down before the brunette can speak, coating her fingers in her delicious moisture, biting down her own moans as Judy’s fill the air. Her fingers dip down to her lover’s entrance, her right arm struggling to hold the shaking brunette up, teasing and circling it. When Judy has begged enough, moaned enough, rubbed her ass against Jen’s pussy enough, Jen decides to be merciful and finally rubs circles on Judy’s clit. 

Jen has to gather all her strength to keep them both up as Judy moans loudly and openly, the soft wet flesh underneath her fingers making her mouth water.

“Lay down.”

“What.”

“Lay down on your back, now.” Jen accentuates the word with a hard slap to Judy’s ass.

She scrambles to lay down, hair clinging to her skin.

“Spread your legs.”

“Okay.”

It’s hot here , Jen notices suddenly as she watches Judy reveal her cunt,  very hot .

“You are so fucking beautiful,” Jen mutters out, stroking the brunette’s thigh as she watches her lips part slowly, revealing the redness and wetness of her pussy, looking like the best meal she was about to have. Ever.

I’m so fucking gay!!!!!

She sobers up a little too quickly as her inexperience pushes away her confidence:

“I don’t know how to, you know,” She gestures vaguely.

“Eat pussy?”

“Yeah…”

“Oh baby, it’s like eating snails.”

“What?!”

“You know, like how you slurp them?”

“Jesus fucking Christ Judy, I think my vagina just shrivelled up and died.”

She laughs again, “I’m joking. That’s not how you eat snails or pussy for that matter. That’s weird.”

“No shit,” Jen snorts, “This is not the time to be joking Judy.”

She just chortles.

“Remember how I did it?” She says, a sensual tone taking over her voice. Jen likes remembering.

“Yeah.”

“Just do that. And most importantly, do what feels good. I’ll guide you if I need to, okay?”

“Okay,” she smiles, squeezing Judy’s hand, breathing in deeply, “Just like eating snails…”

Judy giggles but it quickly evolves into a gasp as she feels Jen’s warm tongue tentatively touch her clit, “Harder.”

“Excuse me,” Jen glances up, hand wrapping tightly around Judy’s thigh in displeasure.

“Harder, please. Ma’am,” The last part of the sentence is accompanied by a wide smirk.

I’ll wipe that smile right off your face.

And she does, she presses harder into Judy’s cunt, remembering the brunette’s routine between her legs earlier, changing her strategy according to Judy’s moans. And by the sound of it, she was doing really fucking well.

“Oh, god, baby,” Judy’s hand grasps at her hair, her hips grinding against her face. Jen reaches underneath her thighs, grabs at her ass and pulls her down onto her mouth harder, fully intent on increasing and prolonging her enjoyment. With long, teasing strokes up and down, the tip of her tongue teasing the brunette’s entrance occasionally, Jen takes her time. She’d never delighted in the art of cunnilingus, ever, but she’d imagined what it’d be like and never in her dreams did she think she’d enjoy the taste of someone’s vagina so much.

How did she ever believe she was straight?

“Jen, Jen, Jen.” Judy repeats as her lover speeds up her routine, pressing harder, faster. In a moment of kindness from her, Jen pushes in with two fingers. Judy’s response is a guttural fuck and a hip jerk, now riding Jen’s fingers in earnest. The angle is a little odd at first, the feel different, but in the end, pussy is pussy and Jen knew her way around it very well (thanks, Ted…). She reminds herself what she likes, what Judy did to her, and curls her fingers, pressing up against Judy’s G-spot. She knows she’s at the right spot because a) she’d had to guide Ted there more than once, not that it did anything, and b) Judy screams. 

“Shhh…” She moves up to Judy and then, ingeniously, decides to quiet the brunette’s moans with her cum-covered fingers, “The boys.”

“Jen,” She whines after suckling ardently, tongue warm and needy, “Please, I need you inside of me.”

“But you’re so loud…”

“I’ll be quiet I promise.”

“You better be.” 

Then her fingers are back in Judy’s warmth and the brunette’s eyes roll back, hips crashing down on Jen’s fingers trying to squeeze every ounce of pleasure she could. Jen’s mouth grows restless and so, as swiftly as she can, she moves back down Judy’s body and wraps her lips around the protruding clit, sucking experimentally.

“Oh ffff-”, Judy gasps as Jen slightly scrapes her teeth on the sensitive flesh, “I’m gonna cum.”

The blonde quickens her pace. It’s clumsy in the way one gets when it’s their first time and their desperate partner is riding their fingers like a goddamn horse. She presses her tongue against Judy’s clit; for extra fun.

Her walls begin to clench tightly and Jen can’t move anymore. But she doesn’t let up on her love’s bundle of nerves, going faster as Judy comes. Judy just bites hard on Jen’s bottom lip once she’s done feasting.

“FUCK,” She whispers breathlessly into Jen’s mouth once she’s ridden out her climax, “Baby…”

“Hi,” Jen whispers, rubbing her nose against Judy’s. A quiet, pleasant sort of shyness coming over her, “Did you have a good time?”

“Are you fucking kidding me? I think that was the best orgasm I’ve ever had.”

“No fucking way, Jude.”

“Yes fucking way. That was mind-blowing Jen. You sure you haven’t done this before?”

“Guess I’m just talented at everything I do,” She grins.

“That you are,” Judy presses her lips softly against Jen’s, “That you are.”

“Again?” Jen grins.

“Fuck yeah.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━

Jen wakes up to movement coming from her left. She mumbles something incoherent in response, still groggy from the throes of sleep. When she manages to blink herself awake, she’s startled by the sight of Judy’s head resting on her shoulder, ever so slightly. The brunette’s right arm is wrapped loosely around Jen’s waist, her legs pressed against hers.

The light peeks through the curtains, lighting the features of Judy’s relaxed, sleeping face. Her lips are slightly parted and when Jen notices the tiny bit of drool pooling there she has to stop herself from giggling. Judy Hale… a drooler.

Jen raises her hand to the brunette’s mass of wavy hair, looking a lighter shade of brown due to the morning sun, and runs her fingers through it, cherishing the early morning intimacy. With each stroke, Jen releases the anxiety she’d woken up with, the little fear it had all just been for one night.

“Mmm…” Judy mumbles and burrows her head towards the warmth of Jen’s neck and the soothing smell of her hair.

“Morning,” Jen says more softly than she’d ever said that word before. That was just it, wasn’t it? Judy brought out a different shade of gentleness from Jen, a deeper, more velvety sort - one just for her.

“Hi,” Judy says after a few beats. She raises her head to look up at Jen, brown eyes slightly swollen from sleep, dry drool on the corner of her lips, strands of her bending into each other. Jen has to stifle a laugh again, but this time her chest moves with effort, betraying the nature of the humour in the blonde’s face, “What?”

“You’ve got something..” Jen’s thumb dips quickly into her mouth and then rubs against the dried smear on the corner of Judy’s very, very kissable lips, “There.”

Judy mutters a barely audible oh, and lowers her eyes, an expression so shy and sweet that Jen’s finger rubs over her lower lip, leaning in for a chaste kiss.

“Never seen you drool,” Jen mutters jokingly as she rubs her nose with the brunette’s.

“Shut up. I’ve just never been this comfortable before.”

She can feel her lips spread into a wide grin, her heart skipping a small beat as the weight of Judy’s words hit her. She takes a little breath, “Me neither.”

“Really?” The brunette beams, bringing her face closer to hers. But before she can, Judy squeals and puts her hand in front of her mouth, “Bad breath! Sorry.”

Jen starts to laugh and when Judy joins in, the room explodes into a chorus of loud, gasping chortles from the both of them. Jen’s stomach clenches as the waves of her laughter overtake her and by the look on Judy’s beaming face, she can tell the brunette feels just the same. Maybe it’s the domesticity of waking up in one another’s arms, bad breath and all. Or maybe it’s the surreal feeling that coats the morning, followed by a long night of passion carefully built up to; that feeling Jen often got when she finally let things just be. Was it this blooming future with Judy? Or was the freedom she found after all of the pain?

“Why are we laughing?” Judy wheezes out. All Jen can do is wipe away the tear that her eyes squeezed out.

Once they manage to calm down, Judy looks at her curiously with a soft smile and a tilted head; when Jen catches that glint in her eyes, the glint of early morning intimacy that reflected the earlier days of her marriage with Ted, her laughter dies down, replaced by a gripping sombreness.

“What’s wrong?” Judy’s hand caresses her face as she speaks. Jen leans into the touch.

“Promise me something.”

“Anything.”

“We’ll never go back to being who we used to be with Ted and Steve?”

“Yeah,” Judy comes closer, eyes a little dimmer now. Jen presses a kiss to her forehead and brushes a stray strand of her behind her ear, “I promise.”

“Good.”

“I mean if the sex is anything to go by…” She trails off and her cheeks spread into a flirtatious smile.

Jen rolls her eyes, “I’m that good, huh?”

Judy leans in to whisper in her ear, “You don’t know how much.”

She pushes Judy off and stumbles out of bed “No, you horny beast. We need to feed our kids.”

“Fine, but I’m jumping your bones later.”

“You’re so crude.”

“You love it,” The brunette winks as she wraps the sheets around herself, looking so absolutely scrumptious in the morning light.

“Yeah…” Jen can’t help but lick her lips, “Yes, I do.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━

When Jen’s done washing her face and admiring the dark-red evidence of Judy’s passion on her thighs, she wraps herself up in her blue robe and patters downstairs. Judy, as always, is already there and cooking. The countertop table is filled with eggs, milk, butter and bread.

“Pancakes and toast?” Jen says as she places a kiss on Judy’s shoulder, wrapping her arms around the brunette and resting her head on the crook of her neck.

“Yeah,” She puts the frying pan with the almost ready pancakes aside, off the heat, and turns around to look at Jen, “That okay?”

“Of course,” She kisses her softly on the lips.

“Jen,” Judy mutters slightly pushing her away, “The boys could see us?”

“Oh,” She steps back, “Is that a problem?”

“OMG, no!” She pulls Jen back in, rubbing her arms softly, “I just don’t want to startle them.”

“Startle who?” Charlie asks as he walks into the kitchen, managing to not bump into anything despite staring down at his phone. Henry trails behind him sleepily, scratching at his head.

“Uhhhh,” They jump apart and Jen struggles to find the words. She looks at Judy who’s equally panicked, “Um..”

“What’s up with you two?” Charlie frowns. 

“Hi mum,” Henry patters over and hugs Jen, then Judy, “Hi mum number two.”

“Hi sweetie,” Judy blushes and turns to the oven when the hug is over.

Charlie stares at Jen with a puzzled look on his face. She realises she’s just been standing there, not having uttered anything other than um.

“Nothing,” Jen clears her throat, “Nothing at all. Did you guys sleep well?”

“Sure, yeah,” Charlie responds, satisfied with her excuse.

“I had really cool dreams,” Henry pipes up, “I was a superhero.”

“Oh my, that’s cool,” Judy says as she turns around, delivering the pancakes onto their individual plates.

Charlie snorts. Jen gives him a warning look, “Judy’s right, boo. That’s really cool.”

“I know,” Henry says simply.

“He knows,” Jen mouths jokingly to Judy who rolls her eyes and sits beside her, hand on her back. Jen chokes on the piece of toast she’s devouring, just a little. Charlie gives them a puzzled look.

“So what was all that noise last night?” Henry asks.

Judy’s eyes go wide and Jen freezes, “What?”

“Yeah,” Charlie’s face suddenly lights up with weird, Ted-like mischievousness. Jen’s too embarrassed to feel any hurt, “What was that noise? Kinda sounded like…”

“Screaming! Like someone was in pain or something,” Henry adds, his innocence making it hard for Jen’s anger to flow freely.

“Um…”

“Your mum was giving me a massage!” Judy exclaims unconvincingly. Jen shoots her a  what the fuck look.

“Must’ve been an intense massage,” Charlie says pointedly then, he cringes.

“Alright, enough,” Jen says pushing more toast onto his plate, “Eat your breakfast and stop asking dumb questions.”

“Aye, aye Captain,” Charlie mutters.

They eat the rest of the breakfast in uncomfortable silence, Judy casting glances at Jen who fully ignores it, trying to pretend she’s still straight and that her children didn’t hear her fucking her best friend's brains in silence. Oh God, whose moans did they hear? Jen feels nauseated.

“Baby, are you okay?” Judy asks once the boys went to get ready for school.

“Yeah, yeah, I just…” She inhales and grabs Judy’s hand, “Got hit by a sudden wave of oh-my-god I’m gay and my sons know, sorta thing.”

“Well, they don’t know.”

“Charlie certainly knows something is up.”

Judy cringes, “Yeah… sorry about that. My fault, I think.”

“You were pretty loud.”

“Hey, at least Henry remains innocent.”

“Yeah, and if you keep quiet the next couple of times we might be able to prolong said innocence.”

“You already thinking of the next times?” Judy wiggles her eyebrows suggestively.

“Oh, shut up.”

“On a serious note, though,” She says as she puts the dishes in the sink, “Just to make sure you still want this?”

Jen looks startled, “What do you mean?”

“Like,” Judy puts down the dish and dries her hands, leaning against the counter pensively, “Like you said yesterday, we got carried away jumping each other's bones and I just needed to make sure you didn't have any regrets.”

“Jude,” Jen says approaching, “I’m in love with you.”

“So was Steve.”

“I’m not that asshat. I want you. I want this. I’m yours, I think I always have been.”

“Really?” Her eyes light up.

“Really."

Judy pulls her into a kiss and Jen lets out a happy sigh, resting her hands on her lover's lips. Their tongues mingle and Judy's hands make a mess of her hair, when their part, they press foreheads together. Jen's heart is so full she feels like she might just explode. Had she ever, _ever_ felt like this before?

"What are you-" Judy starts.

“AHA!”

“What the fuck?” Jen turns around hastily to see Charlie standing there, smug as can be.

“I knew there was something up with the two of you. You think I’m stupid?”

Once again, they are both frozen.

“Um,” Jen offers.

“Ummmm," Judy adds.

“Guys, chill," Charlie tuts, waving his hands like he's a fifty-year-old man dismissing some rowdy teens, "It's obvious Mum was in love with you anyway."

“Ohhh,” Judy raises an eyebrow, "Obvious?"

“Fuck’s sake the both of you,” Jen mumbles, “Yes, yes, I’m dating Judy. Judy’s dating me. Big deal. Now, young man, go to school.”

“Sure,” He turns around, “Hey Henry! Mum and Judy are dating!”

“CHARLIE.”

Henry comes pattering in, backpack on, eyes wide, “No way?”

Judy just glances at her wordlessly and Jen knows there’s no point in denying it. Charlie was too smart, Henry would absolutely love to have Judy around forever and Judy… Well, she was the love of her life. Why hide that?

Jen crouches down a bit to get eye level with Henry. She smooths his hair over and smiles, Judy coming over to stand behind her, “Yes, boo. Judy and I are together.”

“Wow!” He says, then frowns. Jen’s heart skips for a bit, “But…”

“Listen, I know it’s a lot-” She starts, ready to spill out whatever nonsense she can find. She’s afraid but of what?

“But I already thought you guys were together?”

“What?!” Judy exclaims. Jen’s mouth hangs open, a stutter caught in her throat.

“Yeah! I mean, you guys sleep in the same room.”

“Yes, yes we do,” Judy chimes in, resting her hands on Jen’s shoulders, “Are you okay with this, buddy?”

“Yeah, duh. I love you both,” He goes in for a quick hug, “Come on Mom, I don’t wanna be late for school.”

It takes Jen more than second to get over her shock. Why is it that she expected things to always be hard and unbearable?

Probably because she’s a murderer now.

“Jen,” Judy pokes her, “The boys?”

“Ah yes,” She gives Judy a quick peck, her heart fluttering at this new intimacy, “I’ll see you later?”

Judy’s smile is a mixture of shyness and haughtiness as she says, “Of course.”

Jen smiles right back and makes her way to the door. Then, she freezes.

“Jude?”

“Yeah?” The brunette calls over her shoulder.

“I love you. So much.”

Judy’s lip quivers a little, “I love you more.”

“No,” Jen frowns playfully, “We love each other the same.”

Judy crosses the distance between them and pulls Jen into a kiss, “Forever?"

"Forever."

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO???????? DID YALL LIKE IT???????????? see ya soon!


	7. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Everyone's waiting..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI ONCE AGAIN GAYS.
> 
> So this is the very END of the work. I just needed to include this little bit of fluff ok. I'm sorry it took so long but hopefully, you'll enjoy this short and sweet summary.
> 
> Until then!

Some Years Later

“Jen?” Judy asks as she moves about the house, peeking into every room she can. It was getting late.

“Baby?” She calls out again with no success, “Everyone’s waiting…”

After looking into Charlie’s room, recently packed away in preparation for University, where Jen would sometimes wander in with nostalgia, Judy’s face is overcome with a frown. No sign of Jen. 

How could she have lost beautiful woman in a bright white pantsuit? Well, a bright white pantsuit slash dress.

“JENIFFER….” Judy says loudly, impatience giving way to a little worry. What if something had happened to the-

“Hi,” Jen pops out of the bathroom, smoothing down her pantsuit-slash-dress, sounding more timid than usual, “Bathroom break.”

Judy tries not to sigh with relief, “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Jen says with weak conviction. Her face contorts as she cringes at the obvious not-okay-ness in her voice.

“Honey,” Judy moves to rub her arms, tucks a stray strand of hair and notes the smudginess at the corner of Jen’s dark-shaded eyelids with a frown, “Have you been crying?”

Her fianceé shifts, “Yes.”

“Why?”

“I’m scared,” she says. Judy can’t help but notice at how forth-coming Jen had become with her emotions since they’d begun dating, how open and unafraid she was of Judy’s comfort and warm embrace.

“Why?”

She sighs impatiently. That hadn’t changed, though, Judy thinks with a small smile hidden deep inside her, “I feel like I look fucking ridiculous.”

“You are the most beautiful woman I have  ever seen in my life.”

“You HAVE to say that,” Jen snorts, “It’s our wedding day!”

“No,” Judy drawls, wrapping her arms about her bride’s waist, sealing their lips with a kiss, “I mean it. Tell me what’s really bothering you.”

With a sigh, Jen goes to hide her face in the shorter woman’s neck. Then, remembering the make-up on her face and the stark brightness of her bride’s wedding dress, she halts and settles for a slight touch of foreheads, “I’m scared this will be taken away from me. I’m scared I don’t deserve this. I’m scared we will end up like Ted and I. I’m scared I will ruin what we have.”

“Oh,” the Brunette says softly as the words hit her, trying to push back the tears prickling at the corners of her eyes, “No.”

“No?”

Judy shakes her head, “No. We aren’t Ted or Steve. We are Jen and Judy, slight fucked up women - who have been working through their issues in therapy, thank you very much - who are wholly in love with each other, raising two children with another on the way,” Judy smiles fondly as she brushes her fingers against Jen’s slightly swollen belly, thinking of the life she was creating there, “You aren’t going to ruin this. I am not going to ruin this. We’re going to be okay. You, me and our boys. Like we have been throughout these years.”

“Or boys and the one girl,” Jen adds quietly, also trying not to ruin her make-up with tears.

“Nah,” Judy smirks, “It’s a boy.”

“God, no, not another one.”

“It’s a boooooy.”

“No.”

“He told me last night when I was putting crystals on your belly.”

“No, he didn’t! He doesn’t even have a mouth yet.”

Judy wiggles her eyebrows stupidly, “See.”

“What?”

“You said he.”

Jen groans, “Is it too late to leave you at the altar yet?”

“Yes,” Judy murmurs, kissing her again.

“Great,” Jen says with fake moodiness, “Let’s do this. My feet are killing me and I’m hungry as fuck.”

“Eating for two.”

“Why do you say that EVERY time?”

“‘Cos I’m funny.”

“Are you?”

“HEY!”

Jen laughs openly, much more than she had the first year of their friendship turned into romance. How glad Judy was of the changes, the obstacles they’ve overcome. How glad she is to have this woman next to her, pregnant and loving, dealing with her issues head-on, being a wonderful fucking woman.

“Mom? Ma?” Henry yells as he steps into the house through the back door.

“We’re here!” Judy yells back, guiding Jen towards the living room.

“Oh! I was worried,” their son frowns, hair slightly overgrown, jaw and shoulders beginning bulk up. Jen almost starts to cry again (hormones! Of course…)

“No worries, Boo, we’re okay.”

Henry resists the urge to rolls his eyes at the pet-name since he’s  such a big man now, “You guys ready?”

Judy smiles her signature wide grin at Jen, beaming, beaming,  beaming, “ Yes.”

Jen’s smile is just as bright when squeezes her bride’s hand and says, “Let’s go get married.”

  



End file.
